Today In History	I haven't really written that many articles about the bionic man. It just seems like I have.
Aliens!	Oh, the pathos of the aging space cadet. I think this column's really about turning thirty and not having gotten my comedy troupe on TV yet.
Suck Wars?	As it turned out, Star Wars didn't quite suck, but almost sucked.
Quebec	I like this column because it has a picture of Dr. Who in it. Americans might not get all the political references.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer by Franz Kafka	I've done three Christmas columns. This and the Gift of the Magi one are my favourites.
What You Need to Know About the Roman Empire	I spent a day locked in a room trying to think of jokes about the Roman Empire.
That Guy From Chumbawamba	My parents didn't know who or what Chumbawamba was, and for some reason this column concerned them -- they thought I was going crazy or something.
subatomic humour by e. e. cummings	I used to read a lot. Now I have a TV.
Colours	Actually, the colours we painted our house were "city loft," "twain blue," and "herbivore."
If I were a Spice Girl	This article earned me an anonymous email called me "a fag." But I'm not gay! And if I was gay, I wouldn't be a drag queen! And if I was a drag queen, I wouldn't dress as any of the Spice Girls! And if I was a drag queen dressed as one of the Spice Girls, I suppose I would be Sporty.
Comedy Multi-Pack!	I like the Indiana Jones part of this one.
Tricky Pixelly Boulders	More videogame nostalgia.
Greenland, Greenland, Greenland	I almost didn't publish this one, but now it's one of my favourites.
Governor General's Award	For some reason, I like this one too.
Questions and Answers	I include this one only because it's the first of many Q&A columns. Now, people are actually sending me questions, although I have yet to use them in a column.
Spend Money on a Computer	The first column I wrote, though not the first to be published. I worked on this for, like, four days. I tried to get as many jokes in as possible, though now looking at it I realize it actually has too many jokes -- less jokes would make it easier to follow.
The Eighties: Mankind's Golden	First column published. In 1996, 80's nostalgia hadn't really hit for real, and the idea seemed kind of silly. Sort of like mid-nineties nostalgia would seem now. I'm sure, soon, though we'll be seeing retro-grunge.