200!
First published 10/26/2000

Boy, it's hard to believe this is Subatomic Humor #300!

Which makes sense, because this is only Subatomic Humor #200. Still, that's a lot of typing: 3,000 paragraphs, 18,000 sentences, 110,000 words (and over 15 jokes!).

It seems worthy of a celebration... and what better way to celebrate Subatomic Humor #200 than by re-issuing Subatomic Humor #1? Unfortunately that first column was about '80s nostalgia, and now seems a little dated. But no fear! Thanks to amazing computer technology, I've been able to go back and update it.

Also: when I first wrote "The '80s, Mankind's Golden Era", there were a lot of things I wanted to include which weren't yet technically possible. Again, thanks to cutting edge advances in word processing, those limitations are gone, so watch out for some amazing extra scenes!

So, now... sit back, relax, and get ready for the new millennium edition of Subatomic Humor #1: "The '80s, Mankind's Golden Era." Keep your eyes open for those extra scenes, and remember: it's been updated for the year 2000, but thanks to wonderful computer magic you won't be able to tell!

(Note: to hear the re-mastered Dolby 5.1 soundtrack you must wrap this newspaper around your head.)

The '90s: Mankind's Golden Era

Back in the old days, when I was a kid, we had it rough. And when I say "the old days," I mean the '90s. Oh, sure, we didn't have Playstation 2. We just had Playstation. But we didn't care. Thirty-two bits was enough for us.

These kids now, though, they don't appreciate what they have. They act as if there have always been portable mp3 players. Well, in my day we didn't have portable mp3 players. If you wanted to listen to mp3s you had to do it at home, off your computer, as God intended! And it was good! It kept us strong! Not weak, like these simpering little turds three years younger than me and my friends.

We didn't have seventy channels of TV... no, there were only fifty-seven, and they were delivered by plain old cable, not some fancy digital cable system! It was fine! We had to use our imaginations to try and figure out what would have been on those twenty or so extra channels, if they existed, and what advantages we would've got for forking over an extra thirty bucks a month for digital cable, if they'd had that back then, which they didn't. It was good! It brought families together.

A matter of fact I'll go out on a limb and say just about everything they have now we had almost as good back in the '90s. Now they have Big Brother, then we had plain old webcams. Now they have the The X files, then we had The X Files but with David Duchovny... hey, wait a minute. Isn't that my good friend Jar-Jar?

Hiya boyos! Meesa Jar-Jar Binks! Meesa much happy there am biggo two hundredth column! Me bring birthday cake! Whoops! Oh no! Meesa catch on fire from birthday candles in lame computer-animated slapstick routine! Wagh! Me on fire! Isa go home now!

Ha ha... oh that Jar-Jar! Will he ever learn? Still, I felt he looked quite realistic, even if instead of making eye contact I just kind of stared at some imaginary point three inches above his head. Oh, and hey, look: out my window... a panoramic view of Cloud City. I don't remember that being there before. Huh!

Anyway:

Back in the '90s we didn't pierce our cheeks. Just our nipples, noses, and eyebrows. We thought that plaid was fashionable and gas would stay cheap forever. Now, Sting's even less cool and the "Where's the Beef?" lady is still dead and John Travolta's just about ruined his career again and pretty soon he'll probably go back to making those annoying movies where the baby talks. They call this progress, but I call it crap.

I'm so upset that I think I'll go put on a Nirvana record and have a nap on my futon.

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