A&W
First published 4/7/2000

Okay, let’s get this straight. There are five members of the A&W Burger family: Papa Burger, Mama Burger, Grandpa Burger, Baby Burger, and Teen Burger.

Papa Burger is the patriarch. At least, I assume his name is "Papa Burger." We’re not really sure if that’s his name or just the name of the burger which he endorses/represents. He’s a bald guy with fat cheeks and a little red nose… and no wonder! Your nose would be red too if all you ate was double burgers, with bacon and cheese, not to mention the pickles and whatnot.

Of course, his dad Grandpa Burger looks even worse. He’s bald, red-nosed, fat and old. At least, we assume he’s old. Perhaps he’s only 37 but aged horribly from regularly eating a burger with three patties, bacon, cheese, and (of course) the pickles and whatnot.

Mama Burger is the only member of the older generation of the burger family who still has hair. Unless that’s a wig. It does have a certain Jacky Kennedy cut to it which could indicate wigness. But let’s give poor Mama Burger a chance and assume she’s deliberately going for the Jackie Kennedy look. Out of date, yes, but then it must be hard to get out of the house when the male members of your family are constantly suffering multiple-patty-induced heart attacks.

Teen Burger is the rebel of the family. He’s got a sneering, sexy, Rebel Without a Cause attitude; pretty counterculture, for a logo. You wouldn’t be surprised to see him carted away in handcuffs for pulling a drunken late night stunt on Captain Crunch or Lucky the Leprechaun or some other stick-in-the-mud old-school logo. Teen burger may only eat a single patty, but even he should watch his diet. If you look closely, he’s already got a receding hairline, which can’t be a sign of good health for a teenager.

That leaves Baby Burger. Personally, I don’t think babies should eat burgers. Children should, sure, and toddlers, why not? But babies? No. Not until they invent some kind of special baby burger. The Gerber Burger. Something like that.

Anyway, Baby Burger doesn’t even look like a baby. She’s more of a small child. She seems healthy enough, although the twin red patches on her cheeks possibly betray a dangerously high cholesterol level.

Where does the A&W Burger family live? What do they do all day? Is the Great Root Bear a family pet? A feared rival? Or merely a mysterious tuba-playing shadow in the woods behind the house? We don’t know.

Maybe YOU can decide. Write a short story about the Burger family on a sheet of scrap paper. Don’t use the back of an A&W placemat, though. You’ll get grease spots on it from all that meat.

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