Oh No! Political Commentary!
First published 5/4/2000

Well thank god they’re ramming Bill 11 through! It would’ve been far too easy for Klein to cave in to pressure from a bunch of unwashed protestors -- many of whom aren’t even sick and who should therefore just shut up.

Instead the Premier’s had the courage to stick to the convictions of whatever sleazy group of backroom evil rich people are pulling his strings, and I say good for him! It’s reassuring to know that, if I ever have enough money to bribe or extort the Premier, he won’t double cross me just because whatever I’m paying him to do is massively unpopular and makes no sense. Kudos Klein!

Now that our collective health is in the caring hands of the free market, I think it’s time to consider another long-overdue reform: private fire departments.

Our public fire protection system is in crisis. When it was first developed, who could have envisioned that buildings would someday become so expensive and flammable? Who could have foreseen that new, hi-tech fire trucks would be able to deliver firefighters to burning buildings in new and expensive ways? Who would’ve guessed that Dalmatians would one day become so costly to house and maintain?

No one could have, and as a result several things continue to catch on fire each year and, worse yet, nobody makes any money off it.

The Public Fire Department Protection Act would change all this. Specialized, private fire departments would fight small and easy-to-put out fires, allowing our public firefighters to concentrate on large, dangerous, and unprofitable fires. As a side benefit, public firemen would be freed up to do more of those charity beefcake calendars to raise money for sick kids who can’t afford to get into private hospitals.

Private fire departments would be more efficient. Say you live in a neighborhood with one fire station and two trucks. Not enough trucks! Under the new scheme your neighborhood might have ten small private fire stations with one truck each. Lots of trucks! And cheaper too -- far cheaper than just buying more trucks for the fire station you already had. Plus, each private fire station will have to spend money on advertising, and put some money in the pockets of its owners, and all those extra expenses add up to one thing: savings!

The opinions of fuzzy-thinking "experts" aside, private fire protection is an idea whose time has come. You can be sure private fire departments would honour their sacred trust and look after the best interests of the people who matter the most -- their shareholders.

If you agree, and would like to stand up and support private fire protection, you might want to call or write the provincial government. Do so, if you like. But I wouldn’t really worry about it. Because, apparently, it doesn’t matter what you think anyway.

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