Whimsical Observations of the Mark of the Beast
First published 9/28/2000

About a year ago I wrote about the mark of the beast. You know, that special symbol the devil’s supposed to get everybody to wear shortly before the world ends? I said if Satan wants me to wear a barcode that’s cool with me as long as it speeds things up at the checkout counter. The lady could just scan my head instead of my air miles card and my Safeway card and my credit card. It’d be a boon!

Yeah, I know, I know. The devil’s got to have some insidious ulterior motive. But so must the Air Miles people. Nobody gives away free stuff for nothing! Besides, just because The devil’s done bad things in the past, let’s judge this mark of the beast thing on its own merits. I think the Satan’s thinking outside the box on this one!

Anyway, that was the gist of what I wrote and, well, I take it all back. I no longer consent to wear the mark of the beast. And it’s not because of the concerned letter I got from some guy in Saskatchewan. ("Paul, I do not share your enthusiasm for the mark of the beast." Party pooper!)

No, the reason I longer wish to wear Satan’s mark is this: air miles suck. I mean, I’ve been collecting these things for over a year and I still don’t have enough to get a free movie ticket. That’s not worth carrying a little plastic card around, let alone getting a barcode tattooed on your forehead. Forget it! If The devil wants me to wear his logo he’s going to have to offer some better prizes!

Check it out: here are some reward program cards I currently have in my wallet, along with some projections as to when I expect to see actual rewards.

• Eddy Bauer points: free socks, 2009

• Air Miles: trip to Winnipeg, 2022

• Petro-Can points: half-price wiper blades, 2035

• HMV Card: when I’m one stamp short of a free CD, I’ll lose the card

Is this worth it? No! Honestly, I’m carrying around fifteen little plastic cards in my wallet -- not counting ones I actually need like my driver’s license and my credit card. Fifteen cards! If I get together with three other people we’ll have enough plastic cards in our wallets to play bridge! Or build one!

The problem’s bad, and it’s getting worse. Everywhere you go they try to sign you up for new cards. Drug stores, coffee places… everybody’s got a rewards card. Why? I think it’s a conspiracy of wallet manufacturers. If they can get us carrying around 20+ plastic cards our wallets will wear out that much sooner and they’ll rake in more coin for their own over-stuffed wallets. (Which, by the way, they get at cost.)

And don’t think the purse people aren’t in on it. The purse industry and the wallet industry are run by the same shadowy group of faceless billionaires! Grow up!

Faced with this kind of global conspiracy, what can you do? I might as well look forward to those half-price wiper blades just in time for retirement. And maybe Satan’ll come through with a generous points program after all. I mean, if he’s willing to offer earthly riches, fame, and success for human souls (which may or may not even exist) then he should cough up some pretty sweet stuff for infinitely-more-valuable demographic information.

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