Cat Cop!
First published 9/14/2000

So, I lied to a cop.

Not a cop cop. A bylaw cop. A cat cop, actually.

See, Edmonton is now registering cats, and I have four cats. It's kind of embarrassing. I realize owning so many cats brands me as a near-eccentric.

What can I say? I never meant to own so many cats. I bought a cat. I bought another cat to keep it company. Years later I bought a third cat because, I don't know, I wanted to and I knew that owning three cats wasn't too excessive.

Then, last year, there was this fourth cat hanging around our yard. It was hungry and it was pathetic and it would run up to you and beg for food and attention. I tried to fob it off on my brother but he didn't want it and by then I'd bonded with it. So now I have four cats. Okay? I have four cats! You got a problem with that?

But I'm embarrassed. So, when the cat cop comes to my door and asks if I have any cats I don't want to admit I have four. Without thinking I lie and say I have one.

I regret it instantly. For all I know two or three cats are plainly visible through the picture window. I can't see, but the cat cop can. I'll be caught in a lie... to a cop! Not a real cop, sure, but she's still got a badge. She could haul me off to jail! Or the pound! Or something!

She doesn't seem to care, though, so I figure I'm safe. Until she asks what colour my cat is. Hmmm. All my cats are different colours. If there's a cat in the window I have no way of knowing its colour. Yet I must answer. I'm playing Russian cat roulette.

I pick orange. The cat cop hands me a brochure and that's it. I close the door and do a quick recon: no cats in sight. Just as I'm relaxing, Bonnie, my black cat, springs out of nowhere and leaps onto the table by the window.

I know the cat cop's probably still in my front yard. I have to get Bonnie out of sight. I can't stomach the idea of making eye contact with the cop through the window while I'm so obviously hiding evidence of a lie, so I actually crawl across the floor and try to coax the cat off the table.

I know. Pathetic. The cat, being a cat, ignores me. So, eventually, I have to reach up and yank it out of sight.

I don't know if the cat cop looked back at the house as she was walking away. If she did, here's what she saw: Bonnie, an obviously non-orange cat, sitting in the window. Then, a hand reaching out from under the table and yoinking her away.

You'll probably sleep better at night knowing I eventually went down to the pound and registered all four cats. "Oh, you have four cats?" asked the clerk as I handed her the forms.

"Yes," I said, holding my head up high and putting maybe a little too much firmness in my voice. "Yes, I do. I HAVE FOUR CATS."

Okay? You got a problem with that?

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