Holy Exploding Chrysler Buildings!
First published 8/6/1998

The summer blockbuster season is over, and whether or not you're fond of the giant Hollywood hit-making machine you have to admit it gives the people what they want. Namely, the Chrysler Building blowing up.

I have seen the Chrysler Building destroyed in no less than three different movies, all in the last few months. First, it was wiped out by an asteroid in Deep Impact. Then it was sheared in half by a different, smaller, asteroid in Armageddon. (Ever wonder why the asteroid from Armageddon didn't collide with the asteroid from Deep Impact? Easy: they had different agents.)

Finally, the Chrysler Building was reduced to rubble in Godzilla by, well, Godzilla. He smashed it in half with his tail and then -- they didn't show it but I'm pretty sure this is what happened -- it probably got hit by an asteroid as well.

Why this fascination with the destruction of the Chrysler Building? Why must Hollywood show it blowing it up so many times? The answer is simple: because the Chrysler Building deserves it.

Who hasn't been hurt by the Chrysler Building? How many lives have been destroyed by this gaudy thousand-foot monument to the machine age? Its famous Art Deco spire sends out secret waves which cause planes to crash. Its many gargoyles are built on special levers and launch into the streets at random intervals crushing innocent pedestrians. Plus, if you lick the Chrysler Building, it's poison.

Yes, it's an evil, evil building -- perhaps even more dangerous than the notorious Eiffel Tower (who is a big liar and also steals things). So it's no wonder that Chrysler-crushing mania is sweeping the country.

But what about merchandising? If the movie theatres had been on their toes they could have marketed a special exploding Chrysler Building combo meal.

For, say, nine bucks you'd get a plastic replica of the Chrysler Building. You tear it in half along special perforations and -- bam -- you've got yummy popcorn in the bottom half while you sip pop out of architect William van Alen's celebrated vaulted spire.

The thing to remember here is that the movie theatres could have sold the same meal at all three movies, saving on production costs. And, who knows, maybe there's still time for movie theatres to implement my plan; maybe the run of exploding Chrysler Building movies isn't over.

I haven't seen Lethal Weapon Four yet(original title: Lethal Weapon For Blowing Up the Chrysler Building), but I bet the Chrysler building gets it in that one. I bet, in a comical interlude, Joe Peschi accidentally knocks the Chrysler building onto Danny Glover and Mel Gibson, and they go "whoooooahhhh!" and jump out of the way in slow motion at the last moment, as the flames blossom behind them. Then, after they're safe, Gibson turns to Glover and delivers some witty improvised line of dialogue like, "Hey, we just about got hit by that building."

I'm pretty sure the Chrysler building also gets it in Saving Private Ryan (original title: Saving Private Ryan from the Chrysler Building). After all, how do you think Private Ryan's brothers all got killed? They were visiting the Chrysler Building, and it got crushed by a giant lizard. One that was riding an asteroid.

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