Konrad's Komedy Korner
First published 7/13/2000

Note: Paul was unavailable so this week's column has been penned by famed Canadian median baron, funnyman Conrad Black.

Hey folks, Uncle Conrad here! I've got your comedy "fix" for the week... so sit back, relax, and get ready for wacky time!

DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME? I SAID SIT BACK, RELAX, AND GET READY FOR WACKY TIME! SO DO IT! NOW!

Hey hey!

So, how about those TV commercials? Aren't they dumb? Isn't it annoying when you're watching your favourite TV show and it's interrupted by some stupid commercial?

Of course, advertising is an important part of the free market system, whose unbridled energy helps to create a prosperous and vital society. So maybe we shouldn't complain... unless we want to sound like a bunch of shrieking NDP-voting anti-American Marxists! Hey?

Okay. That was the punchline. So laugh. Now.

I SAID LAUGH! DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM, INSECT? I'M CONRAD BLACK! I COULD CRUSH YOU! SO LAUGH, YOU IMPERTINENT NOTHING! OUT LOUD! NOW!

Wacka wacka wacka!

Hey, speaking of TV, how many people here have noticed men love to "hog" the remote control? Ha ha! It's true! Of course, this is because of the inherent difference between men and women which, militant anti-male feminist lesbians aside, everyone knows to exist.

Hmmm.

I said, "Which, militant anti-male feminist lesbians aside, everyone knows to exist." That's the end of the bit and the part where you laugh.

LOOK: WHEN I JOKE, YOU LAUGH. GOT IT? I'M CONRAD BLACK, DAMNIT! I OWN EVERYTHING! AND I'M A FUNNY GUY! SO MAKE WITH THE HA-HAS! GOT IT?!

Let's try some observational humour. Uh, shower curtains don't always catch the water, the other supermarket line is usually longer, women always go to the restroom together, and men don't like to read instruction manuals. Hey?

I said, hey?

What, do I have to get more specific? Does every observation have to end in some kind of "joke"? Do you people have to be spoon-fed? It just goes to show you how far Western society has declined under the influence of handout-taking crypto-Marxist homosexual socialists who take tax dollars out of the pockets of hardworking media barons to pay for their own misguided and wasteful pet projects!

OK. FORGET THE JOKES. I'M CONRAD BLACK AND I WANT YOU TO LAUGH! SO YOU LAUGH, DAMNIT! LAUGH! OK, STOP! NOW... LAUGH AGAIN! LOUDER! REMEMBER, I KILL TWELVE NOBODIES LIKE YOU BEFORE BREAKFAST!

Alright. That's it. Wacky time is over. I'm not even going to do my Captain Kirk impression for you. In fact, I don't want you to read this paper any more. Go put it back in the box. And fold it carefully. These things cost money.

JUST DO IT! NOW! DON'T MAKE ME KILL YOU!

Like the column? Buy the book! 100 Years of Subatomic Humor now on sale!