Extreme Stamp Collecting!
First published 8/24/2000

You know, I could be the king of extreme sports, if they weren’t so, well, extreme.

I could learn the lingo. I could listen to the music. I could wear the fashion -- I look good in a toque. But what I couldn’t do is rocket down some kind of special ramp at three percent the speed of light and then pull off a fancy aerial maneuver that they probably have a name for but which I don’t know.

No. What I could do is rocket down some kind of special ramp at three percent the speed of light and then smash suddenly into the ground like a $34 million NASA Mars probe. I’m sure people would still come to see the show, but I could only do it once.

Let’s face it: if I’m going to get involved with extreme sports they’re going to have to invent some safer extreme sports. Extreme sports aimed at the paunchy and timid. Extreme stamp collecting. Stuff like that.

I mean, I’m pretty good with a lawnmower. Turn that into a sport. Build a lawn-covered quarter pipe and I could do some extreme mowing. I’d look pretty good, busting some major turf and demonstrating my phat mulching skills. The event could be sponsored by Canadian Tire (makers of the extremely sweet Mastercraft CD550 with rear bag and radical 4.25 HP Tecumseh engine).

Or what about extreme shopping bag carrying? I could be a champion at that. I’m not talking about one or two shopping bags, either. No way! I’m talking about carrying them all from the car to the house… in one trip! And then fishing my keys out of my pocket… without setting anything down! You think that doesn’t take skill? Years of practice? Nerves of steel? I mean, my god, you could break your eggs!

I don’t suppose extreme lawn-mowing or bag-carrying or bed-making (which can get pretty hairy when the bed’s pressed up against a wall) will ever catch on. That’s why I figure my best shot at participating in extreme sports would be to make some of the less dangerous sports a little more extreme.

I mean, why is skateboarding an extreme sport while, say, bacce ball isn’t? I think I know. It’s because bacce ball players are allowed to play their sport in public places, while skateboarders are always getting shooed away by security guards. This lends skateboarding a rebel quality which, let’s be honest, bacce ball lacks.

All you need to do, I figure, is make bacce ball illegal. If you keep chasing those old bacce-ball-playing guys out of the park, pretty soon the sport will take on some of that anti-conformist attitude. Speed metal bands will start featuring bacce ball in their videos. The same strategy would probably work for curling and golf and, I don’t know, maybe even horse shoes.

The other easy way to extreme-ify some of the more moderate sports would be to actually make them more dangerous. It’s hard to hurt yourself playing darts… but it’d be a lot easier if the darts were poison and the players scored points by throwing them at each other. Or what about bowling? Pretty safe… but what if you had to play it while on fire?

But it’s not going to happen. Extreme sports are going to stay extreme and the things I do are going to stay not-extreme. Anti-extreme, in fact. I’m just condemned to a life of sitting on the sidelines, watching other people hurt themselves in elaborate ways.

But here’s my point: I do look good in a toque.

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