Gap Man
First published 8/18/1999

My wife’s in love with the khaki a-go-go guy. You know the Gap ad with the go-go dancers? He’s the curly-haired guy wearing a black shirt and (of course) khakis. The camera follows him as he gustily go-goes for about half the commercial before he kind of disappears into the chorus. He’s just one of many Gap dancers, but he’s the star of that commercial, no doubt.

Anyway, my wife’s in love with him. She knows it, I know it -- it’s all out in the open. It doesn’t matter that the khaki a-go-go guy is almost certainly gay -- I mean, a: he’s a fashion model and b: he’s a professional dancer -- she’s ga-ga for his go-go. What can I do? I can’t compete. I can’t go-go at all, let alone at a professional level, and as far as khakis go, his are all clean and pressed while mine are kind of rumpled and have a small mustard stain on one leg.

That’s why I was glad to see the khaki a-go-go guy make an appearance in the new, infinitely less cool Gap vest commercial. It should take him down a peg in my wife’s estimation. After all, in this commercial he doesn’t even dance. He just stands around with the other Gap people, looking glum and wearing a vest, lip-synching to an old Madonna song.

I guess it makes sense that they’d use a Madonna tune, even though the lyrics don’t quite fit. I mean, "I’m gonna dress you up in my love" is fine, but "all over your body" doesn’t really apply to vests. "I’m gonna dress you up in my love, from your shoulders to your waist not counting your arms" would be more appropriate, but I guess that’s hard to sing.

Maybe that’s why the usually-cheerful Gap dancers are so glum in this ad. They wish they had sleeves. I don’t know why the Gap would choose to go with suicidal-looking non-dancing dancers for their new publicity campaign. I can’t wait to read the print ads: "Buy our vests. They are nice. Look how sad they made our dancers."

Or maybe the print ads could be a little more honest: "We are Gap, and we say everybody has to wear vests now." Because, let’s face it, whatever the Gap tells us to wear, we’re going to wear it. Khakis have been out of style since the ’50’s, but they brought them back. Cargo pants are ridiculous, but the Gap sells ’em by the truckload. Now we’re all going to be wearing vests. Who wears vests? Three groups of people: fishermen, cameramen, and road crews. Maybe that’s why the Gap dancers don’t move in this commercial: it’s a tribute to the glacial stillness of city road crews.

It’s like someone’s got a bet going down at the Gap plant, seeing what they can get us to wear next. Gap vests. Gap sombreros. Gap kilts. Gap Spider Man suits. I suppose that’s why they call it "The Gap" -- it’s the gap between what they sell and what we want. But I don’t mind. After all, the goofier they dress him, and the more they show him not go-go dancing, the more the Gap closes the gap between the khaki a-go-go guy and me.

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