Inside Hollywood
First published 8/26/1999

People love to hear the latest scoop from Hollywood insiders. And who is more inside Hollywood than I am? Damn few. Let's have a "sneak peak" at what the movers and shakers in tinsel town have up their sleeves for us in the next few months.

First, let's have a look at the land of TV. The fine folks who've brought us so much quality televised entertainment that we've become fat and atrophied except for giant thumbs on our remote control hands have been hard at work! Hollywood's cooked up a gaggle of new shows for next season -- let's have a look at the two which critics agree are going to be "hits!"

Patch Adams: Emergency Room: In this gritty spin-off from the successful movie, Patch Adams relocates to Chicago and sets up shop in an E.R. He wins the hearts of a skeptical group of doctors by showing them that the best way to heal sucking chest wounds and smashed spinal columns is with funny voices and feeble puns. Obviously, Robin Williams isn't making the jump to the small screen; rumour has it that Patch Adams will be played by Balki from Perfect Strangers. Put a cast on my funny bone, it sounds like a hit!

Salvation Army: Special Force: Some homeless people don't want to be helped. For these people we call... Salvation Army: Special Force! Working together with the Salvation Army, the Salvation Navy, the Salvation Tank Core and the Salvation Air Force, this elite team delivers free sandwiches and religious pamphlets to the most dangerous poor people around, with the help of an amazing arsenal of hi-tech machinery and, of course, God.

Now let's look at the big screen. The hot topic that has tinsel town abuzz is The Blair Witch Project, that saucy low-tech thriller that chilled movie goers by only hinting at the horror that slowly polishes off a group of twentysomething film-makers.

What's next for the people who made Blair Witch? Well, first on the menu is Blair Witch: Director's Cut. Now that they've got access to a bigger budget, the film-makers plan to re-release a version of the movie which includes all the special effects they intended to do in the original but didn't have the money for. Now we'll get to see the Blair Witch, in all her computer-animated glory! Look out Godzilla, I smell a summer hit!

But don't think you're safe just because you're not in a movie theater! Word from the Big Apple is that the Broadway musical version of Blair Witch is in the works. The show, entitled Witch!, reportedly features such Elton John-penned tunes as "Don't Leave the Tent," "Which Witch Is Which?" and "Keep the Camera Running Even Though We're Being Eaten."

But the biggest news in Blair Witch-ville is the Blair Witch film-makers' next movie. Whispered rumours are that it's a romantic comedy -- the twist being that we never actually get to see the people who are in love; the film just hints at it, letting our imaginations fill in exactly what kind of romance is constantly lurking around the corner! Romanto-rama... in spades!

Viva la Hollywood, it looks like we're in for another fine year! Make some popcorn and forget how to read, there's entertainment akimbo headed our way courtesy of the Hollywood magic factory!

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