Home Theater
First published 4/15/1999

If you still don't have a home theater system, you're missing out! A home theater system allows you to experience a trip to the movies, right in your own home -- although there are some limitations. To truly experience a trip to the movies you'll have to charge yourself $4.50 for a small pop, and buy a special pre-stickied floor to stick under your chair.

Remember, also, that we're talking about re-creating the movie theater experience. If you want to re-create the live theater experience, you'll have to buy some actors, some lights, a whole bunch of empty seats, and then not show up.

At the heart of any home theater we find a special amplifier hooked up to six speakers. It's important to have so many speakers because this allows the people who make speakers to sell more speakers. Also, having six speakers ensures that your home theater system has enough volume to drown out the knocking noises being made by the collections agent who's at your door ready to repossess your home theater system.

Once you've successfully setup your home theater, you're ready to experience movies the way their film-makers intended you to -- as a poor person. But which movies should you watch? Loud ones, of course -- especially loud ones featuring a lot of low, rumbly bass. Asteroids vs. Tubas. That kind of thing.

How can you tell which movies are going to be loud...

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