Telescope Dreams
First published 11/18/1999

What the Hubble dreams about when it's "asleep":

Focus, focus, focus! What is that? A nebula? A galaxy? A distant pulsar? It all looks fuzzy to me. Get it together! What did you cost, a billion dollars? And now your mirror's all bumpy? Squint, damnit, squint! I know they're all laughing at me. Bad telescope, bad telescope, bad telescope!

Whoah! What the hell was that? My high-speed photometer is missing, but all of the sudden I can see better. They must have done something. Sure, open me up and mess around. I can see, but the sweet sweet high-speed photons... they're gone! I'm high-speed photon blind! Don't be bitter. You've got a job to do. Bad telescope bad telescope bad...

Uh. There's a pulsar. Spin around. A nebula. Sure. Sigh. It all looks the same after a while. Oh I miss the earth. The sweet serenity and safety of the mirror factory. The loving touch of the grinding stone. Wait! Mommy! Look out for that bump! Don't stop grinding yet! There's a several-micron bump in my middle! Keep grinding! I won't be able to see! Don't you love me? Don't pack me off to the shuttle yet; the other telescopes will tease! Bad four-eyes telescope no friends mother doesn't love you bumpy mirror born bad ah the sweet cascade of high-speed photons I miss them.

All the spy satellites get to look at the earth. If only I could spin around, focus on home, image mother. Does she look up to me with scorn or am I forgiven? She can't see anything; she's just a mirror factory. And what about the real Hubble? He must be rolling in his grave. But I can see now; I have corrective lenses! I wonder if he wore glasses...

Star. Star. Star. Can't quite see it. Why do they make me look at such far-away things? It's depressing. Makes me feel so insignificant. I should have been a pair of binoculars, pointed at some college babe by a horny teenager.

But this. Nothing nearby, just a parade of very distant objects punctuated by the sudden intrusion of an astronaut's gloved hand. Can't you stick around? How about a pat on the anterior radio array for a job well done? Nothing. Just a quick probe and wham bam thank you telescope. Jerk. I hope you fall off your Canada arm.

Okay. Focus, focus, focus. Star star galaxy. Everybody's looking at me. What the -- whoah! Waitaminute! I forgot to wear my pants!

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