Booyah Naked Jet Pilot!
First published 2/17/2000

Right now, I want to be like the naked jet pilot, but I’m not like the naked jet pilot. He has three blades on his razor and I have only two.

You know who I’m talking about? The naked jet pilot on the Gillette commercial? He’s got a uniform and a plane and then -- whoah! -- it all disintegrates and suddenly he’s standing naked on what looks like the set of Who Wants to be a Millionaire? tenderly caressing his face. That guy. The naked jet pilot.

What a guy! I mean, he’s lost it all: his uniform, his plane. What’s he got left? A razor. Not even a can of shaving cream. But you can’t keep him down. There he sits, rubbing his face. At least he got a smooth shave! He’s looking on the bright side. Booyah naked jet pilot!

There’s something homoerotic about a naked man standing around fondling his face, but I don’t think the naked jet pilot is gay. If he is gay, it’s just because he’s so heterosexual that he’s spun the meter all the way around. He appears gay because he’s hyper-heterosexual in a way the rest of us can’t understand. That’s assuming he’s an air force pilot. If he’s in the navy, he’s probably gay.

Gay or straight, he sure likes that razor! And why not? It’s got three blades on it. Three! Check out the computer animated close-up: that’ll take the hair off your face! I mean, the commercial implies that this razor disintegrated a state-of-the-art jet aircraft! That’s a pretty good razor! They should drop planeloads of these things on Iraq! Even if they didn’t destroy the Iraqi ability to make war at least Saddam Hussein could finally rid himself of that five-o’clock shadow he always seems to have.

(Then again, maybe the razor isn’t responsible for the guy’s plane falling apart. Maybe his plane just routinely fell apart because he’s in the Canadian air force.)

Personally, I use the Gillette Sensor XL for my shaving needs. It can’t destroy military equipment, but make no mistake -- it’s a mighty razor. The top of the line in its day. You see, it has two blades. That’s one to shave your face and another one, I guess, just to have. Plus, it has some kind of patented goop strip.

Admittedly the MACH 3, the naked jet-fighter’s razor, has a higher blade count, but I’m not planning to upgrade at this time. And I’ll tell you why: first off, I’m sitting on a large Costco-size stockpile of Sensor XL blades. Secondly, although I don’t consider myself a nervous flier, the fact that the MACH 3 may cause jet aircraft to suddenly disintegrate gives me pause. Thirdly, and most importantly, I’m holding out for the new, four-bladed Gillette product which must be just around the corner.

Won’t that be something! Four blades! One to shave your face, one just to have, one to be like the naked jet pilot, and a spare! That’ll give you a smooth shave, I bet. Like, you’ll really want to stand around naked caressing your face after using that thing!

I’m sure Gillette’s labs are working on it now. Still, they have to be careful. I mean, if a MACH 3 can rip off a jet pilot’s clothes and blow up his airplane and still leave him with a smooth shave, imagine what four blades could do? The guy wouldn’t be left with any skin! He’d just be a manly skeleton, standing around on the set of Who Wants to be a Millionaire?, smugly rubbing his mandible.

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