Definitely No-Longer-Topical Star Wars Column
First published 8/12/1999

I probably shouldn’t still be talking about The Phantom Menace. It’s been a few months since it came out, and I think we all agree it was pretty much a disappointment. It came, it went, and now it’s all over except for the Taco Bell/KFC/Pizza Hut commercials. (Am I the only one who thinks these commercials are creepy? They’ve taken Colonel Sanders, an actual, real, dead person and reanimated him to sell chicken. Life, death -- I suppose it’s all subservient to marketing.)

Anyway, like I say, the whole Phantom Menace thing is over, and here I am still making jokes about it. You might think this is lame but, hey, fuck you! I’m stuck here along in a room trying to think of something funny, and this is what I’ve got. So shut up!

The one element of The Phantom Menace that was a success was Darth Maul. Everybody I’ve met loved Darth Maul. He looked cool; he was evil; he had a gnarly lightsaber. Unfortunately, the movie basically wasted him. One line of dialogue: "At last we will show ourselves to the Jedi. At last we will have revenge." The next thing you know he’s cut in half and falling down a giant pit.

Everybody in the Star Wars universe eventually ends up falling down a giant pit. Why are there so many open bottomless pits in space? Haven’t the Star Wars people invented railings yet? Whether you follow the dark side or the light side, you should be complying with building codes. There should be at least, like, a 36-inch railing around that bottomless pit to bring it up to spec.

So, there’s Darth Maul, lying cut in half at the bottom of the pit. His movie career is over. And yet his fans cry out for more. Now what should he do? The same as any celebrity who can’t get into movies: head to television. And what kind of vehicle should Darth Maul use to launch his TV career? Let’s look at the options:

The Darth Maul Show: If Mike Bullard can have a successful talk show, anyone can. Each week Darth Maul would interview a range of guests from the highest reaches of the celebrity stratosphere, maybe have them sing a song, and then kill them with his lightsaber. Meanwhile, in the shadows, the dark presence of Darth Sideous would lurk, his evil forced laughter ringing through the studio whenever one of Maul’s jokes fell flat.

Cooking with Darth Maul: "At last we will reveal our muffins to the Jedi. At last we will have dessert."

Fishing with Darth Maul: Men respect him. Fish fear him. Each week, Darth Maul would go through an amazing well-choreographed bout of high-energy angling. Then, just as he was about to land the fish, he’d get cut in half and fall in the water.

So there you have it. That’s my last Star Wars column for a while. I purge myself. I shun Star Wars. No more. I don’t want to look like a geek, and besides, why talk about Star Wars when there’s so much interesting Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, Logan’s Run, and Doctor Who humor out there?

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