My Empty Brain
First published 10/10/2000

It a sad truth: being a columnist means that when you have nothing to say you say it anyway.

I'll be honest. It'd probably be better if they put a word search here this week. Hell, they could leave this space blank and it'd be arguably more useful. (Get your friend's autograph! Write down ways in which you can save the environment! Clip the blank newsprint and frame it as some kind of existential statement -- get your parents to help with the scissors!)

But they won't pay me to submit blank emails, so here I go, blah blah blah. I've come to understand why so many political columnists end up sounding like mean-spirited idiots. This nose-to-the-grindstone, pressing-on-in-the-face-of-your-own-vacuousity routine could turn a person against humanity. When the world finally gets blown up by a doomsday device, it won't be at the hands of an evil genius. It'll be by a columnist trying to avoid a deadline.

I mean, cards on the table: I'd kill every last one of you if it meant I didn't have to write my column this week. And that includes you Mom and Dad. Sorry. Nothing personal.

Realistically speaking, though, it's probably less work to fill 550 words than it is to kill everyone in the greater Edmonton area. So away I plug, charging fearlessly into the vast blank reaches of my empty imagination.

In this kind of situation they say it's a good idea to brainstorm. Grab a pen, a sheet of paper, and let the ideas flow! Let's have a look at the outpouring of fantastic ideas from my own recent brainstorming session:

In the center of a sheet of paper, I word the word "comedy." I stared at it for a couple of minutes. Then I drew a circle around it. After another couple of minutes, I drew a line to another circle and in that circle I wrote the word "Grimace." Then I crossed it out because I realized I did my Grimace bit last week.

Then I tried a new angle. What's happened in my life recently? There must be some hilarious observational gems hidden amongst the trivia of my daily life. So I wrote: "gained weight?", "junk mail", and "zit?" (Referring to a zit which I thought I was going to get on my nose but which turned out to be a false alarm.)

Also, for some reason, I wrote "puppets." I don't know why.

Well. That wasn't a waste of time! Obviously, now my problem is I've got too many good ideas! It's going to take a while for me to do justice to this weight gain/junk mail/potential zit/puppet concept. So, while you wait on the edge of your seat, I present what should have been here all along: a word search.

Can you find the hidden word? (Hint: "feline.")

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
XXXCATXXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Like the column? Buy the book! 100 Years of Subatomic Humor now on sale!