Lost Notepad
First published 3/2/2000

So, I’ve been sitting here for about an hour, and I thought I was brainstorming, but then I suddenly realized I was just making a list of things in my office.

"Coffee Mug. Telephone. Mouse pad. Han Solo Doll." I mean, sure, it’s funny, but it’s so formulaic. And I don’t like to pander.

But what else can I do? The deadline looms and I’m out of ideas, my head as empty as… (brief pause while I brainstorm up an analogy)… a coffee mug.

Luckily, this is where The Lost Notepad comes in. I found it behind a shelf when I was cleaning up my office (which, by the way, contains: books, a glass, sticky notes, a radio). It’s a small, crumpled, coil-ring memo pad, about half-full of column ideas and gags I scribbled down before I lost it, which must have been almost two years ago.

So, now I have a whole bunch of column ideas! Problem is, it’s been so long since I had them that none of them make any sense. I mean, look at this:

"Astro turf… astro boy?"

What’s that supposed to mean? Astro turf. Astro boy. Astro turf. Astro boy. I have no idea. They both start with "astro." Brilliant! Here’s another one:

"Elephants -- once you have the gear they’re cheap."

What is that? The central nugget of a sassy bit of observational zookeeper humour? I don’t remember being a zookeeper back in 1998, but then again those were crazy days, what with Hanson-mania sweeping the nation and everything.

Here’s one that actually makes sense:

"Baby Gap is a good store. They should have that for adults."

OK. Good. Now we’re getting somewhere. Because the adult version of Baby Gap would just be The Gap. Get it? Now I just need to brainstorm up some other Gap-related bits to flesh it out…

Uh. Desk! Monitor! Filing cabinet!

What else have I got here…

"True fact. Vikings never had jazz."

Ha ha ha! It’s funny because it’s true. Well, okay, it’s not funny. But it is true.

Here are some more promising premises: "Show vase [or possibly ‘case’] is breakable -- everything 4 a reason." Hmm. "Darth Vader [illegible] knees." "Like Laurel and Hardy except a bank."

The yuks don’t stop a-commin’!

Finally, after going through the whole pad, I did find an idea which I think I could turn into an article: "I bet part of the reason the Luddite movement never caught on is because the Luddite head office didn’t use all the latest office equipment."

OK, office equipment! There’s something I can write about. In fact, I happen to have a list of things you might find in an office right here. Stack of paper! Jar of pencils! Uh… accordion file!

Urgh. I’m going for a beer.

Like the column? Buy the book! 100 Years of Subatomic Humor now on sale!