Nuts 'n' Bolts
First published 4/27/2000

Forget the human genome project. You know what’s a real boon to humanity? The new, modern, ready-for-the-21st-century Nuts ’n’ Bolts bag.

I don’t know if you’ve seen this bag. You cut the top off, see, and then you eat some Nuts ’n’ Bolts, and then, when you’re done, there’s a little zip lock thingie in there… which allows you to seal the bag back up! Is that not the best thing ever?!?

I mean, the plastic bag was invented, what, 500 years ago? And the zip lock baggie was invented by the Aztecs, I believe. But not until last year did someone think to combine them into one, super-convenient über-bag. Why did it take so long? I don’t know. But somebody should get a Nobel Prize.

I mean, look at the human genome project. They’ve spent billions on that thing and you can’t even use it to hold Nuts ’n’ Bolts, let alone keep them fresh! What a washout! The scientists responsible have totally failed to invent a better way to deliver snackfood, and now that they’ve been scooped on the big advance the best they can hope to do now is maybe cure a couple of diseases.

Of course, the über-bag isn’t just for Nuts ’n’ Bolts. It’s available for other tasty snackfood as well. Pre-grated cheese comes to mind. And there’s another great invention. Before, say, 1998 you had to grate your own cheese, using what we used to call a "cheese grater." But now it comes pre-grated! In an über-bag! Brilliant!

Why on earth did it take this long to invent pre-grated cheese? It’s the greatest thing since sliced bread! In fact, it’s basically the same idea as sliced bread. Why did this thought not pop into the minds of some hotshot young cheese executive decades ago? Were powerful cheese forces at work behind the scenes, maintaining the status quo? I think the government should hold a public inquiry into Big Cheese, as soon as they finish looking into the human genome project/Nuts ’n’ Bolts fiasco.

Science marches on and who knows what wondrous advances the future will bring us. Cheese that melts itself? Swiss cheese without unsightly holes? Perhaps the next generation of space telescopes will allow scientists to discover the missing "a" and "d" from Nuts ’n’ Bolts.

But whatever the future has in store for us, I tell you, I sleep better at night knowing my cheese is pre-grated and my Nuts ’n’ Bolts are fresh. And I think that tells you two things: one, progress is wonderful and, two, I should get out of the house more.

Like the column? Buy the book! 100 Years of Subatomic Humor now on sale!