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 New Products First published 6/22/2000 Build a better mousetrap, they say, and the world will beat a path to your door. And it’s true… although when the world gets to your door they’ll fall in a giant pit with spikes because, you see, it wasn’t a mousetrap at all… IT WAS DESIGNED TO CATCH PEOPLE! Nevertheless, we all need to keep up on the latest inventions, trends, and products, so let’s have a look at some exciting product announcements. Paul, people like John Ralston Saul, people like DOOM, but when will consumers have access to a single product that combines John Ralston Saul with DOOM? The wait is over! DOOM: The John Ralston Saul Edition combines state-of-the-art 3D action with incisive commentary on the Canadian metaphysical situation. You’ll thrill as you battle your way through 14 levels of axe-wielding mutants, machine gun-toting demons, and troubling questions into the nature of Canadian nationalism. System requirements: a Pentium III processor with 32 megs of RAM and a B.A. in political science (master’s degree recommended). Paul, I used to be progressive, but now I’m mired in the past. Where can I find a radio station that mirrors my tastes? The wait is over! Announcing 92.3 Alternatclassic: the radio station programmed entirely for people who were on the cutting edge 15 years ago but now refuse to keep up with the times. You’ll thrill to the formerly avant-garde sounds of: Kate Bush, Peter Gabriel, The Smiths, and many more. Why keep up with what’s cool now when you perfected cool back when? Brush off the Doc Martins and enjoy a blast from the former cutting edge with 92.3 Alternaclassic. My goodness, I certainly enjoyed Roberto Benigni’s whimsical look at Nazi war atrocities, Life is Beautiful. When will we see more from this talented Italian auteur? The wait is over! Announcing Roberto Benigni’s new heartwarming comedy Life is Crap. Benigni stars as a man who takes his young son on a lovely summer holiday… but tells him that they’re in a Nazi concentration camp! The hijinks just don’t stop as Roberto Benigni protects his son from the joys of vacationing by terrorizing him with the horrors of Nazism in Roberto Benigni’s Life is Crap. Paul, I can’t afford the expensive prices of Superstore’s President’s Choice line. When will I see a more affordable line of generic products? The wait is over! Announcing Vice President’s Choice: the generic line that’s a heartbeat away from becoming President’s Choice. The cookies are almost as sweet, the popcorn is almost as fragrant, and the orange-flavoured drink crystals are almost as orange-like with Vice President’s Choice: food almost good enough to be generic. Okay Paul, yes: the existing home and garden channels teach me how to care for my home and yard. But they do little to help me properly tend to Stonehenge and other ancient Celtic ruins. When will there be a do-it-yourself show that focuses on maintaining these puzzling Ancient monoliths? A: The wait is over! Announcing This Old Stonehenge… the show that brings you tips from the pros on how to spruce up those silent mysterious stones that bedevil us with their ancient mystery. How do you clean them? How do you paint them? Does so-called "obelisk gel" really work? And what about curtains? This Old Stonehenge brings you the answers you need to make your age-old druidic monument the envy of your neighbours!
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© 2000, Paul Mather