Questions and Answers
First published 6/13/1996

Since I've started writing this column, people have been sending me a lot of questions in the mail. I think it's high time I got around to answering some of these important questions, so without further ado, here are my insightful answers to your urgent questions.

Q: Paul, what are the secrets of the universe?

A: This is a question I am often asked. You have to understand that life is basically a videogame. You always die in the end, but in the meantime you try to make points.

This is acknowledged in Eastern religions. If you think about it, reincarnation is basically the same as a videogame. You die; you get another man. You die again; you get another man. If you get enough points you get a free man.

So, how do you earn these points? Eastern theorist Lao-Tse was once asked this question. Lao-Tse sat back, narrowed his eyes, took a drag on his cigarette, and said, "What do I look like? The dictionary? Bring me a drink."

Q: Paul, what's the stupidest thing the Disney corporation has ever done?

A: They're making an animated musical version of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. He sings. He dances. He's a hunchback!

But of course it's Disney so he's kind of a cute hunchback. In fact, Disney is actually selling plush stuffed dolls of this hunchback guy.

You know, there's nothing kids love more than a plush, lovable, stuffed hunchback. I can't wait for the plush lovable Disney version of the Elephant Man.

Q: If Star Trek had to fight Battlestar Galactica, who would win?

A: Star Trek, because they have shields. Duh!

Q: Paul, what is your fondest wish?

A: I wish being left-handed was enough to make me a freak. Then I wouldn't have to work. I could just sit in a tent and write with my left hand and people would pay money to come see freaky left handed man.

Q: Have you ever undressed a girl with your eyes?

A: It's difficult; especially the zippers.

Q: When will the universe end?

A: Currently, there are no plans for the universe to end. However, starting in January, 1997, it will run only during peak hours.

Q: Should the guy on the commercial eat his soup with a fork or a spoon?

A: He should heat the soup up until it's boiling, then pour it down the front of his pants.

Q: Why is it that Bryan Adams is still famous but Cory Hart has disappeared?

A: Because Cory Hart doesn't have to work. He just sits in a tent and sings "Sunglasses at Night" and people pay money to come see freaky sunglasses-at-night man.

Q: Why are women so attracted to Jean Claude Van Damme's bum?

A: Because Jean Claude Van Damme doesn't have boobs.

Q: What if everybody on the Earth dies except for me and I want to play golf?

A: Do it in the first couple of days, because after that, man, it's just too much mowing.

Q: Are these real questions or are you just trying to fit a bunch of unrelated jokes into one column?

A: Hey, speaking of jokes, what if William Shakespeare had been a stand up comedian? Brutus's monologue in Julius Caesar would have been "Friends, Romans, countrymen, I come not to praise Caesar... but to do impressions of him! And my first impression is Julius Caesar smoking a joint with Jimmy Stewart, Peter Lorre, and Jack Nicholson!" Imagine that! Wouldn't that be funny?! Ha ha ha!

Q: So this question and answer thing is just a lame attempt to string together some extra bits that you couldn't fit into other columns?

A: Yes, but I wrote it entirely with my left hand!

Like the column? Buy the book! 100 Years of Subatomic Humor now on sale!