Questions and Answers XVIII
First published 11/19/1998

From every corner of this sorry globe they come, posed in every known language: English, German, Esperanto, Klingon, Semaphore. They are the burning questions asked by the bemused populace of this big dirt lump we call the Earth.

What can I do? I put on my special hat and head down to the basement, where I enter the endless questions into a state-of-the-art, liquid-cooled, massively-parallel supercomputer. Then I print them out on a cheesy old dot matrix printer and head over to the local library where I try to find... The Answers.

These are the answers which I now humbly present to you: the subtle yet soothing answers to your pressing, burning, itchy questions.

Let's just hope the right people read these answers and do something about it before it's too late!

Q: Paul, what are your thoughts on educational reform?

A: For high school students with really low marks, there should be a special class which teaches them the skills they'll need in prison. We know they're going there; we can't actually put them there yet; but when they do get there we want them to excel instead of being "shanked" with a "shiv."

Q: Paul, are you familiar with the hit tune "Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting" by pop music phenomenon Elton John?

A: If you ask me, any night's alright for fighting Elton John. If I see that little weasel I'm going to kick his ass!

Q: Paul, how did criminals feel when fingerprints were first discovered?

A: I bet, when the police first invented fingerprints, the immediate reaction among the criminal underclass was, "Oh great, now we have to wear gloves." And so the intricate game of move and counter-move goes on.

Q: Is it true black cats are bad luck?

A: Unless you happen to be wearing a black shirt, in which case a white cat is bad luck.

Q: Paul, why did they build the international airport so far away from town?

To ask this question is to ask who benefits. Follow the money. Who profits from the airport being located where it is? Leduc? Sure. But those stooges don't have the brains to pull off a conspiracy of this subtle complexity and daring.

No, the answer is far more terrifying. The airport is located so far away from town because of a massive, well-organized, totally-secret lobbying effort from those who profit the most: the cab drivers.

How's the little guy supposed to get ahead with the jackboot of Johnny Cab stepping on his neck? They get paid by the minute while we get paid by the hour. Do we get special beads to sit on? No!

You may complain that it's not fair, but make no mistake, friend: there's only one kind of "fare" the municipal/aeronautic/taxi complex cares about!

And I wonder: for the first time in the checkered history of this Klondike region, are we too yellow to form a co-op and fight back against those who hold us over a barrel for their own prestige?

Q: Hey Paul, what is the deep meaning behind the cryptic lyrics of Beck?

A: I have no idea. But I'll tell you this: if I see that little weasel I'm going to kick his ass!

Q: What did people always tell you?

A: People always told me hindsight was 20/20 and, looking back on it, I guess I should have believed them.

Q: How could the Hallmark card company improve its revenue stream?

A: Hallmark should make delivery trucks. When the Hallmark delivery trucks backed up, instead of making that plinky, electronic, annoying "beep! beep! beep!" sound, they could play a plinky electronic annoying version of Happy Birthday or The Blue Danube.

Also, when the Hallmark delivery trucks got into accidents, maybe the twisted metal could "pop up" to spell out special greetings.

Q: Who's the boss?

A: Ostensibly it's that chick, but I think we all know it's really Tony Danza.

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