Questions and Answers 2000 Again
First published 1/27/2000

As we bravely march forward into the new century, some things thankfully stay the same: the uniqueness of each snowflake, the love of a mother cat for her kittens, and the inevitability of me running out of column ideas and doing another one of these "question and answers" things. With that in mind, let’s get to it…

Q: Paul, what do you think of Ottawa’s new plan to replace the warnings on cigarette ads with actual photos of diseased lungs, cancerous mouths, etc?

A: I think they should skip the photo stage and go right to pop-up cancer warnings. When you open a package of cigarettes a little diorama of a mouth tumor should fold out. Or maybe they could have something where you pull a tab and a little guy falls over dead.

Probably, though, the most effective thing to do is ship packs of cigarettes inside actual diseased lungs.

Q: What did you do Monday?

A: Nothing. I realized the other day that I stay home so much that, if I were accused of a crime, I wouldn’t have a believable alibi. "Where were you Monday?" "I stayed home all day." "Did anybody see you?" "No." "Did you talk to anybody?" "No." "What were you doing all that time?" "Trying to write a column." Then I’d show them the column and they’d give me that cop-eye look and say, "Come on. You expect us to believe this took more than five minutes?"

Q: What’s the perfect housewarming gift for Phillip Marlowe?

A: Phillip Marlowe, or any film noire detective, needs the venetian shower blind. Unlike a shower curtain, the venetian shower blind allows Phillip Marlowe be in the shower and still do that detective thing where you stick two fingers through the blind and stare out at nothing in particular. The case gets solved faster, and Phillip Marlowe is cleaner. And it’s always a good idea to keep your Phillip Marlowe clean, because it prevents infections.

Q: Why is CBC pundit Rex Murphy so critical of pop culture?

A: Look at the guy! He’s smart and everything, but he’s a homely, homely man. I mean, I don’t like to make fun, but the man is a funny-looking. He’s a bug-eyed freak! And that’s why he’s so critical of everything on TV: he knows that, with his looks, the only kind of show that would put him on TV is one of those shows were ugly people sit around and talk about how everything else on TV is bad.

Q: You know, if Auric Goldfinger had been born as Auric Honeyfinger he would have gotten into a lot less trouble. Because, so what if he’s a man who loves only honey? That’s nobody’s business. He’s not going to kill a girl by covering her entirely with honey, is he?

A: I’m afraid so, you poor fool. Yes, he is.

Q: Paul, when do you think we’ll see the first retro 90s night?

A: Too late! Honest to god, I saw the first poster for a retro 90s night January 7, 2000. That means this decade had only seven days to develop its own style before we started to slip backwards into the past.

Think about it: retro 70s stuff didn’t start to appear until about 1989, and it was easily 1995 before retro 80s stuff was common. But this decade doesn’t even have a name yet and already we’re giving up and doing the retro thing. That means, come 2010, the only thing we’ll be able to do for retro 00s night is sit around and reminisce about how we used to live in the past.

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