Questions and Answers 1999
First published 2/10/1999

When you send me a question, you expect an answer. And answers are what I give you. But where do I get these satisfying answers? Simple: my crack research team.

They travel around the world in their special submarine, having adventures. Who knows where they'll turn up next? One thing's for certain: wherever they go they find adventure! And, with the help of their special friends -- a robot, a chimp, and a talking dolphin -- they also manage to learn a little bit about themselves.

Anyway, the submarine has just pulled into the secret docking bay. The brain-o-matic computer has downloaded the team's report. And the team itself is relaxing and exchanging some whimsical repartee about this week's adventure. So, I guess it's time to present to you more answers to your urgent questions.

Q: Paul, is it true that nobody likes a quitter?

A: Yes. Still, no wonder the poor guy quits: it's hard to finish something when nobody likes you.

Q: Paul, when Brainiac was born and they named him, how did they know he would be so smart that he should be named "Brainiac"? If he'd been a bit dumber would he be named "Averagiac"?

A: No. He would be named "Dumb Green Guy Who Fights Superman."

Q: What warning sticker should be on a laser pointer?

A: The warning sticker that is on a laser pointer reads: "Warning: Do Not Point At Eyes." The warning sticker that should be on a laser pointer would read: "Warning: This Device Serves No Useful Purpose."

Q: What warning sticker should be on a bar of soap?

A: "This is a bar of soap. Warning sticker will soon fall off."

Q: What should the Barenaked Ladies do?

A: The Barenaked Ladies and the Beastie Boys should join up; then they could be the Barenaked Beastie Lady Boys.

Also, The Barenaked Ladies should put out a song called Now That I Have a Million Dollars.

Or, The Barenaked Ladies could join up with the Backstreet Boys. Then they could be the Barenaked Backstreet Boy Ladies. Oh... wait... I guess that's kind of like the other joke.

Q: Should Tom Hanks star in a sequel to Big?

A: It's been so long since Big that Tom Hanks would have grown into Tom Hanks by now.

They should do a sequel where Tom Hanks, now Tom Hank's age, wishes to be as old as Tom Hanks is. Then he turns into Tom Hanks, an older Tom Hanks who is Tom Hank's age and is played by Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks would be Tom Hanks for most of the movie, until the end, when Tom Hanks would turn back into the Tom Hanks who, although as big as Tom Hanks was in Big, isn't Tom Hanks.

Q: Do you get lots of people canvassing around your house?

A: Sure do! Boy, they sure do canvas a lot around my house. Everybody's canvassing. There's so much canvassing going on that you'd think I live in a tent.

Q: How should Cher commemorate Sony Bono's death?

A: She should sing a song called I Don't Got You Babe.

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