Questions and Answers, Again
First published 12/9/1999

All of the celestial objects are in alignment. I’ve consulted my ouiji board and, for good measure, my scrabble board. I’ve spoken with the floating holographic head in my basement and I am assured that it is yet again time for me to answer the urgent questions with which you, the reading public, so often flood my office.

Q: Paul, what should I never do?

A: Two things. One: never combine puppets with muppets. The puppets don’t like the muppets. The muppets don’t like the puppets. And there you are, caught in the middle, probably wearing big clown shoes.

Two: never make a piñata shaped like the Hindenberg. Because instead of raining candy down on the children, it would probably be full of little tiny burning passengers.

Q: Paul, what am I least likely to see on a TV show?

A: Again, this is a two-part answer. One: Sheriff Lobo, because that’s not on anymore. Two: a televangelist on a detective show who doesn’t turn out to be a bad guy.

Q: How can I enrich the quality of my newborn baby’s life?

A: If you have a newborn baby, make it constantly wear rollerblades for the first ten years of its life. It’ll take longer for it to learn how to walk, but once it does it’ll already know how to rollerblade. Also, if you’re getting a baby, see if you can get one that comes with a free camcorder. Because you’re probably going to want one.

Q: Instead of always focussing on the foolish quotes, why don’t people ever take time to remember the many sensible things Yogi Berra said?

A: You’re right.

"I’m going to take an umbrella, because it’s raining." –Yogi Berra.

"We’re lost. We better stop and ask for directions." –Yogi Berra.

(When asked for the time) "It’s four o’clock." –Yogi Berra.

Q: I’m moving in with my girlfriend, and I was wondering if there was an easy way to tell how compatible we are?

A: Once you’re unpacking, you’ll naturally want to go through your CD collection and remove the CDs you each own a copy of. Pile up these duplicate CDs. If the stack doesn’t go up to your knee, the relationship is doomed. At that point, I’d say, wait till she’s not around, grab her CDs and hit a pawn shop.

Q: Paul, do you support McCain’s decision to boycott genetically-modified potatoes?

A: McCain’s says they won’t use genetically-modified potatoes in their tater-tots because of possible health issues. Here’s my question: if you’re so concerned about your health, why are you eating McCain’s tater-tots?

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