Q&A Deluxe Plus
First published 9/16/1999

I’m out of column ideas again, and that can mean only one thing: it’s time for another Q&A column! Yes, once again, it’s a Q&A column: a Q&A column where I’ll respond to your Qs with my As. What’s the purpose of this Q&A column? Well, hopefully this Q&A column will delight and inform you, but more importantly, this Q&A column, like the Q&A columns which came before it, and other, as-yet-unwritten Q&A columns which have yet to be, will give me the chance to use the phrase Q&A over and over again (like this — Q&A, Q&A, Q&A), thereby getting twelve ampersands into one paragraph, which has to be some kind of record.

But without further ado, here are the questions:

Q: Paul, how many forces are there in the universe?

A: Scientists are now aware of five forces in the universe: electromagnetism, gravity, weak force, strong force, and pubic force — which is the mysterious attraction between pubic hair and porcelain which somehow attracts and eventually binds pubic hair to the toilet, the sink, and — in certain puzzling and upsetting instances — the side of the fridge.

Q: Paul, how could the phone companies help me save money on my phone bill?

A: To save money, the phone company should offer a call display service which only works on specific people. If there’s someone I like calling, I don’t need to know who it is; I’ll pick up. But there are one or two people I don’t like, and when they call me I’d like it if some kind of siren or orange light went off over the phone.

This should be cheaper than displaying a number for all incoming calls, although really the cost doesn’t matter because, ideally, the bill for this service should somehow be sent to the people I don’t like.

Q: Paul, if you ever put together a cookbook, what would you call it?

A: I think a good title for a cookbook would be: Spiral-Bound Book Which Only Has One Good Recipe, but That’s OK Because You’re Only Going to Cook That Recipe Once and Then You’re Going to Put the Book in a Drawer and Just Rotate Through the Same Old Three Recipes You Know Off By Heart but Which Aren’t Very Good — That Is Until You Get Another New Cookbook, Which You Might Buy on Impulse or, More Likely, Will Be Given to You as a Gift.

Either that, or I’ll call it Szechwan Cookin’ — Paul-Style!

Q: Boy, I sure enjoy that Jeff Foxworthy! What’s he been up to lately?

A: Following the cancellation of his sitcom, Jeff Foxworthy has gone back to standup. He’s a little bitter, though, and you can tell when you watch his new video: Unfunny Reasons Why You Might Be a Redneck.

An example: "If you’re poor, ignorant, and scapegoat racial minorities for your own dead end life and lack of economic possibilities… you might be a redneck!" Ha ha ha! Keep up the good work, Jeff!

Q: Paul, how can the Catholic Church make itself more relevant in today’s world?

A: Number one suggestion: use mini-donuts for the Eucharist.

Like the column? Buy the book! 100 Years of Subatomic Humor now on sale!