Q&A Infinity Plus One
First published 5/18/2000

Well, orders have been passed down from the illuminati, and their intent is clear: more questions and answers columns!

Who am I to argue? We have to keep the proletariat distracted until the mind control satellites are ready, and vaguely-humourous nuggets of comedy presented in a questions-and-answers format fit the bill!

So sit back, relax, and get ready to be oppressed… it’s time for still yet even more in a seemingly-infinite series of questions and answers.

Q: Hey, Paul, I just loved Al Pacino as a feisty 60 Minutes producer in The Insider. Any word on a sequel?

A: A sequel is in the works! It’s called The Humorous Commentator and it’s the gripping story of powerful wallet-industry forces conspiring to block Andy Rooney from airing a biting satirical piece on all the detritus he carries around in his wallet.

"Have you ever noticed how you carry around stuff in your wallet you couldn’t possibly need? Here’s a receipt for a pair of shoes I bought in 1982. Good thing I’ve hung on to that!"

Zing! I wouldn’t want to own wallet stock right now!

Q: Paul, the more things change, the more they stay the same.

A: Yes. Although, to be fair, when things stay the same they stay the same more.

Q: Paul, amongst the Broadway set you’re known as something of an impresario…

A: Thank you, yes.

Q: But that’s not the question.

A: Sorry, go ahead.

Q: As a Broadway insider, tell us: what’s going to be the next big thing on the great white way?

A: Well, it’s supposed to be a secret, but the inside word is that a group of investors are putting together a show that combines Cats and Hair. It’s called Cat Hair and it’s the story of my clothes, the surface of my furniture, and of many corners of the house where I can’t get the vacuum.

Q: Paul, there are big bucks to be made in the inspirational poster market.

A: Don’t I know it! I’m still waiting for my "The shortest journey consists of a single step" posters to get back from the printer!

Q: Paul, I worry that, in the future, our civilization will be destroyed and English will be a lost language. Then no one will be able to read and enjoy the works of luminaries like Shakespeare and Andy Rooney. Is there any hope?

A: Yes, hope comes in one compound word of Germanic origin: kindersurprise.

Let me explain. After all our cities have crumbled to dust thousands of kindersurprise eggs will have survived: durable plastic shells protected by even-more-durable plastic chocolate. And inside each egg? A toy, yes, instructions, certainly… but also a warning blurb. In eight different languages, including English. The Rosetta Stone of the future.

Once future archeologists work out the meaning of the sentence "Don’t stick toy down toddler’s throat" the rest of our language should come easy.

Q: Paul, do you care about material things?

A: No. I’m more concerned with wooden and brass things.

Like the column? Buy the book! 100 Years of Subatomic Humor now on sale!