Riot Police
First published 6/8/2000

It used to be a shocking image, but it's becoming familiar: unarmed protestors getting pummeled by sinister black-clad riot police. Is this really the kind of thing we want to become a common sight on the nightly news? Are our power structures really so inept at handling dissent? What does this tell us about the health of our democracy?

These are exactly the kinds of difficult questions we all want to avoid, and that's why I propose we get riot police friendlier-looking gear, pronto! After all, on TV, appearance is reality, and friendlier-looking gear would give riot police a softer, more "good guy"-type image. So, let's give riot cops an image makeover, and we'll all sleep better at night!

Treehuggers like to go on about how corporations put profits ahead of the environment, and it kind of looks that way when you see a bunch of protestors getting crushed by a row of riot shields. But what if those riot shields were recycled? In fact, what if they were emblazoned with big recycling logos, front and center? Would those unwashed earth-lovers lose a little of their moral high ground? You bet they would! So come on, Plexiglas Corp., whip us up a recycled riot shield durable enough to shove some longhair into a chainlink fence. The world will beat a path to your door!

Let's talk colour. Would you root from Robin Hood's merry men if they wore Gestapo-like black uniforms and sinister dark visors? Of course not! So why do we dress our police -- who are supposed to be the good guys -- like Darth Vader?

Now, I'm not suggesting we dress riot police up like Robin Hood. Green tights tend to run in a riot situation, and it's hard to yank off some guy's gas mask and spray tear gas in his face when you're wearing goofy medieval gloves. No, our riot police need their modern equipment... but why does it all have to be black?

I'm envisioning riot police in a variety of colors. Tangerine... strawberry... blueberry, grape, lime! A rainbow of repression! Like iMacs, except they beat you up! I feel better already.

Of course, pepper spray is an important tool of the trade when you're trying to keep some sign-wielding maniac away from a foreign dictator's parade route. Yet pepper spray gets a bad rap. It's partly because of the name: "pepper spray" sounds so harsh. "Peppery spray" sounds better. "Cajun-style peppery spray" sounds downright hospitable. "Police used Cajun-style peppery spray to subdue protestors." It sounds right neighbourly of them!

I could go on. Truncheons could contain computer chips that make wacky noises when they impact protestor's heads, etc. You get the idea. Hopefully, someday soon, corporate ownership of the media will become so centralized that we won't have to hear about these troublesome protests. In the meantime, let's give riot police the tools they need to win the media war, so they can get back to doing the job we pay them for: protecting the right of the ultra-powerful to do whatever they want without having to listen to a bunch of "opinions" from a bunch of "citizens."

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