RRSPs
First published 2/10/2000

The thing I’ve learned about RRSPs is this: no matter how much time you spend thinking about RRSPs, you’re supposed to be spending more time thinking about RRSPs.

I’ve never understood financial stuff. That was okay when I was young and carefree, but now I’m older and more worried, and the pathetic thing is I’m trying but I still can’t figure it all out.

I mean, I’m not a dumb guy. I’ve read some books. None of the clocks in my household are perpetually flashing noon. I scored really high on that NTN trivia game they have in bars once. But I can’t seem to figure out this investment stuff, and to make matters worse the people who do have it all figured out seem to be a little… well, not stupid exactly, but sort of tacky and oblivious.

I mean, I picked up a financial magazine, trying to get a handle on it all, and I read an article about how to amass a fortune by moving to a third world country where they don’t tax investment income. And they’ve got a chart weighing the pros and cons of each country: "Oman: good weather, but the locals don’t seem to like Westerners." Well, no kidding they don’t like you. I don’t like you. Moving to a poor country to get rich -- it’s not stupid, I guess, but it is tacky.

I did learn a couple things, though. Here’s a tip: if you want to reach your retirement goals, it helps if you’re rich now. I mean, this magazine had tips that could help you whether you had a whopping $250,000 or a paltry $30,000 to invest. They should have set the magazine’s cover price to $200; that way I would’ve known I can’t afford any of its advice.

To be fair, I did learn how to select mutual funds. Turns out you just need to ask two questions: does the fund have one of the highest risk-adjusted return rankings among its peers, and does it have a below-average MER? Okay. I can ask that. I mean, I won’t understand the answer, because I don’t even know what I’m asking, but I can ask.

And who am I supposed to ask? "Should you fire your financial advisor?" read the headline of another article. What financial advisor? I thought the magazine was my financial advisor. And why should I go and hire a financial advisor if I’m just going to have to start thinking about firing him?

RAR, statistical models, MER… you could spend a lot of time and energy trying to understand this stuff. I’m starting to think it’d take up less time and be more profitable to just get a second job.

When planning for retirement, they say, it’s important to take into account how long you want to live. Because you can save a lot of money by dying sooner. Personally, my retirement plan calls for me to die about ten minutes after I retire. Which should be about five minutes after my money runs out.

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