Silent Night?
First published 12/23/1999

"Come, they told me," said the little boy. "A newborn king to see. But I had no gift to bring..."

The boy sputtered to a stop. The inside of the stable was chaos. The ox was bellowing and the lamb was bleating and, off in the corner, three strange men were jabbering excitedly in some foreign language. The glowing baby in the center of the room was shrieking at the top of its little lungs, defying all attempts to calm it.

"So you thought you'd play a drum for him?" demanded the mother. "What's the matter with you!? He's a baby. He doesn't like loud noises!" She rolled her eyes. "It was a fourteen hour labour and I'm exhausted and we'd just got him to sleep and then you show up." She handed the screaming baby off to her husband.

"But... I..." the boy started.

"Look," said the mother, "take your pa-rump-pum-pumming outside. Go jam somewhere else!"

The boy started for the exit. Behind him, he heard the husband. "What's this about him being a king?"

"Shhh," said the mother, "we'll talk about it later."

°°°

It wasn't easy to find a xylophone in Bethlehem that time of year. They were all booked up for office parties. But the little boy called in some favours and managed to get a half-decent one, and this is what he was dragging into the stable later that night.

"Oh my god," said the mother. "What's that supposed to be?"

By way of an answer, the little boy grabbed the mallet and raised it in the air...

"No... don't!" the mother said. But it was too late. As he struck the first note the glowing baby came to life and instantly started shrieking. This woke up the animals, who started braying and mooing, and the husband, who sat up suddenly and spilled an ornate jar of frankincense all over the floor.

"Are you slow or something?!" demanded the mother. "You know, blankets are a nice gift. A jolly jumper. A partridge in a pear tree. Anything that doesn't involve loud sudden noises!" The baby was really screaming now and again she had passed it off to the husband, who stood squinting at it. "Honey," he asked, "why's he glowing?"

"Not in front of the wise men," said the mother, indicating the three strangers who were scrambling unsuccessfully to mop up the frankincense. "We'll have this discussion in the morning!"

The little boy sighed and started lugging the xylophone out of the room.

°°°

"It's for the bridal suite," the boy said proudly, handing her the coupon. "A night's accommodation, with complimentary coffee and continental breakfast. Much better than this stable!"

The stable reeked of frankincense, which seemed to irritate the glowing baby, who hadn't stopped crying for the past two hours. Tempers were running short and the three foreigners had made excuses no one had understood and left.

The mother stared at the coupon blankly. "But... there's... no... room... at the inn!" She emphasized each word, as if speaking to an idiot. "Why do you think we're staying in a stable?!" She noticed her husband was trying to stick the screaming baby into a manger. "Don't put him in there!" she barked, "it's dirty!"

"He doesn't look like me," said the husband. "Something funny's going on here..."

"What exactly do you think is going on?" said the mother. "You're so insecure." She turned back towards the little boy, but he had already taken his coupon and slinked out of the room.

°°°

"I call it a pacifier," said the little boy. "I was up all night carving it out of a rubber plant. It goes in his mouth."

In the daylight you could barely see the baby's glow. It was red faced and still crying. The mother was holding it, sitting on an ass.

The mother sighed. "Look, kid, I appreciate the thought, but that has to be the stupidest..." She stopped. The little boy had stuck the thing into the baby's mouth and, sure enough, he had stopped crying. In fact, he sucked on the pacifier beatifically.

"Hey, that's pretty neat!" said the mother.

"Do we want this?" said the husband, coming out of the stable. He held up the cracked jar of frankincense in one hand.

"No, leave it," said the mother. "Let's get going; we're going to hit traffic." She turned to the boy, who beamed at her proudly. "Thanks kid. And the son of God thanks you too."

"Son of who?" said the husband.

"Nothing," said the mother.

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