Sunscreen
First published 5/6/1999

Ladies and gentlemen, wear sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. But, you know, sunscreen isn't just for wearing anymore. There are so many other uses for this wonderful product: it removes stains, it can substitute for butter in many recipes, and leaving an open tube of sunscreen in your fridge keeps it smelling coconut fresh. To learn more about sunscreen, contact the sunscreen marketing board!

The rest of my advice has no more depth than a motivational poster, but it sounds profound in the context of FM radio, so I will dispense it now.

Pay no attention to the power and beauty of your youth. That way, when you turn old, you'll still be happy. Remember: you're not at phat as you think you are. You are, however, superfly.

Don't worry about the future; or know that worrying is about at effective as trying to solve algebra by chewing bubble gum. And why chew bubble gum when a small piece of cardboard soaked in sunscreen makes for long-lasting taste satisfaction?

Do one thing every day that scares the person you're stalking...

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