Deep Thoughts on Super Powers
First published 7/29/1999

Why is it that, whenever Hollywood makes a new superhero movie, it’s based on some obscure comic book I’ve never heard of. The Mystery Men? Who the hell are they?

OK, yes, Hollywood’s done the two biggies: Superman and Batman. But other than that, almost every Hollywood superhero film has been about some lame-o super nobody. The Rocketeer. The Crow. Tank Girl. Steel. What a bunch of losers!

What about the Green Lantern? Why not make a movie about him? Oh, sure, he’s no Superman, but even his detractors have to admit, he’s the finest of all the lantern-based superheroes. Maybe they could update his image a bit and call the movie The Green Lightbulb.

Or what about Aquaman? Again, his powers aren’t as good as Superman’s. That’s because Superman took all the good powers: he can fly, he’s super-strong, he’s invulnerable, he can see through walls and shoot lasers out of his eyes. What’s that leave a guy like Aquaman? What can he do? Two things: swim, and talk to fish.

Talking to fish isn’t a very good power. To be honest, it’s mostly useful in the ocean. If you ever fight Aquaman, try to steer the battle onto the land. That way he can’t talk to his fish, you see. At worst, he might be able to talk to them on, like, the phone.

And don’t let Aquaman try to talk you into going into the water, either. "Hey, Mirror Master," he might say, "it’s pretty hot out here. Why don’t we finish this battle in the nice, cold, Pacific ocean?" Don’t fall for that! The next thing you know you’re tied up in kelp, getting dragged over to Coast Guard HQ by a couple of know-it-all dolphins.

Batman’s an A-list superhero, but he doesn’t even have any powers. Actually, that’s not strictly true. Batman’s rich. That’s kind of a power. Being rich is a form of mind control. You can control people’s actions from a distance: make them give you stuff, park your car, bring you drinks. If I had a choice between being rich and being able to talk to fish, I’d go for rich any day.

Batman doesn’t really take advantage of his power, though. If I was him, I would have a chequebook right there on my utility belt. I’d be cutting cheques to passers-by. Pay them to go chase the bad guy. Just make sure they cheques say "Batman" instead of "Bruce Wayne." And don’t get the kind that show your address, unless you want all kinds of scummy people showing up at the Batcave, looking for free bat-handouts.

I bet super-power disparities are a source of conflict when superheroes get together. Look at the Wonder Twins. They used to be on The Super Friends, which was a cartoon back in the ’70s. One of them had a pretty good power: the ability to turn into any type of animal. The other one could turn into any type of... water.

Turning into water. There’s a lame super power. While your wonder sibling is turning into a puma to chase down some bank robbers, what’s the coolest thing you can do? Steam open envelopes.

Life’s not fair, Wonder Twin!

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