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 Victoria Sucks First published 9/12/1996 First of all, the parking in Victoria is very difficult. Warren Miller should film a movie in Victoria called "Extreme Parking," because you have to be some sort of expert and have some special equipment to successfully park here. I always assumed Victoria was named after Queen Victoria, but now that I've been here I think "Victoria" must be an old Indian word meaning "no parking." The parking lots are expensive and hard to get into. If your parking meter runs out you're not allowed to put more money in. You have to find a new spot, or else they tow you. And they will tow you. Victoria puts the "tow" back into "totally unreasonable." The other thing people often complain about in relation to Victoria is the old people, but I don't have a problem with the old people. Sure, sometimes you'll be walking somewhere and you'll be obstructed by an old guy shuffling along, but that's not the old guy's fault -- he's only walking so slowly because the old guy in front of him is walking so slowly. The one thing that does bother me about old people is that whenever they're upset about something, it always somehow relates back to World War II. Whether it's non smoking areas in bars or boys with earrings they're against it because grumble grumble grumble something about World War II. Of course, when I'm old I plan to grumble about W.W.II every chance I get. Never mind that I'm way too young to have even been alive during W.W.II. By the time I'm old, kids will be so stupid they won't know when World War II was anyway. Grumble grumble grumble stupid kids grumble grumble always watching their holovision grumble grumble World War II. No, I don't have a problem with Victoria's senior citizens. It's the people my own age I can't stand. Everywhere you go in Victoria there's little suburban kids sitting on the sidewalk wearing their Doc Martins and asking for change. I don't mind being asked for change by people who need money, or at least by people who have gone to the trouble to look like they need money. But these kids asking for change are dressed better than I am. Besides, I can't give away any of my change. I need my loonies to plug the bloody parking meter. I need my quarters to plug the bloody parking meter and/or make a phone call to find out where they towed my car. I need my two dollar coins to buy a pack of gum because this is Victoria we don't give out change and I need a loonie to plug the bloody parking meter. And I need my nickels dimes and pennies because I'm saving up for my own pair of Doc Martins. It makes me thankful I live in Edmonton, where the only well-dressed people who beg for money own hockey teams. The other problem with Victoria, and with B.C. generally, is that people here think we Edmontonians are a bunch of yokels. When I found out about this I got so mad that I almost jumped out of my acid washed jeans and my poorly-fitting foam ballcap advertising some kind of machine parts company almost popped off my head. I mean, Victoria is hardly the pinnacle of cosmopolitanism. They shut the bars down at 12:30 AM. They dress people up as beefeaters and offer high tea to American tourists in a misguided attempt to fool people into thinking that Victoria is somehow British. Yes, this attitude British Colombians have towards Alberta is so aggravating that it makes me want to put up a barrier between the two provinces, perhaps a range of big tall "mountains" of rock. And Victoria's personality problems are so acute that I can see no other solution than to send it off to an island somewhere. Grumble grumble grumble stupid BC World War II. Special Internet postscript: Heh heh heh... hello people from Victoria who are reading this column because they got my webpage address from the War of 1812 programme... actually, I really love Victoria... it's just... I was just... ugh...
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