No Longer Timely Star Wars Piece
First published 6/3/1999

You’ve probably already had a chance to see it. But I haven’t. I’m writing this the day before The Phantom Menace opens, so, excuse me, but how can you expect me to talk about anything else?

Is it going to be any good? Let’s take a look at the good and the bad:

The dark side: Bad reviews in Time, New York Daily News, Variety, etc.

The light side: Original Star Wars movie got bad reviews too, so what do they know?

The dark side: In the trailer, Obi-Wan Kenobi yells "noooooooo!" and then something blows up. Throughout human history, has there ever been a good movie where the hero yells "noooooooo!" and then something blows up?

The light side: It’s scored by John Williams. John Williams could score the Weather Channel and it’d make you want to jump off the couch, swing on a rope through a plate glass window, and fight some Nazis.

The dark side: Jar Jar. Annoying, computer-animated horse/fish thing.

The light side: Phantom Menace will need Jar Jar to provide comic relief, as we won’t be able to count on Mark Hamill’s bad acting for laughs.

The dark side: If Grand Moff Tarkin is in this film, he’s probably younger and still just a Moff.

The light side: Younger, sexier Yoda combines urbane charm of Kermit with raw, animal sensuality of Grover.

The dark side: There’s a shadowy evil guy in a black robe -- just like the Emperor in the first movies. This shows a distressing lack of imagination. What, do all evil rulers wear crappy black robes? You own the universe, buddy -- buy some threads!

The light side: Even if it is a bad movie, it’s providing work for midgets. In spite of all the digital effects, I suspect midget actors haven’t seen this much work since the end of the mid-eighties Neverending Story/Willow/Time Bandits midget boom.

The dark side: No Admiral Ackbar. Star Wars just isn’t Star Wars without that lovable fish man.

The light side: Maybe they’re saving Admiral Ackbar for the next movie, and even now the search is on throughout the world for a sexy young lobster to portray him.

The dark side: Big acne outbreak this October as thousands don makeup and go as Darth Maul for Halloween.

The light side: When they make a porn version of the film, it’ll be easy to think of a title: The Phantom Penis.

The dark side: It’s kind of sad that everybody’s so focused on the sequel to a bunch of old movies. Can’t we live in the present?

The light side: Hooray! Sequel to a bunch of old movies means we don’t have to live in the present!

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