Y2K + 1
First published 1/6/2000

Yeah. Sure. You go on believing that the world didn't end January 1st, 2000. You swallow the media lie that we're not all living in a burnt-out wasteland, fighting giant telepathic cockroaches for small foil packets of dried legumes. But I know the truth.

But Paul, you say, surely all is well. The world hasn't ended. January 1st came and went without incident -- the supermarkets are full of food, the Internet still works. New Year's Eve was a night of fun and frivolity, not of chaos.

You pathetic nimrod! That's what they wantyou to think! Sure, the supermarkets are full of food... packages. But a package of food isn't food, is it? And how can we be sure those packages contain more than empty air? We can't, can we? Not until we've wrestled them away from the giant cockroaches. And do you think giant cockroaches are going to honour your air miles? Grow up!

What about the Internet? Surely it still works. No! Wrong! The Internet stopped working in about 1996. That's when the last interesting site was taken down and replaced by some online retailer eager to sell whatever can be stuffed into a bubblewrap envelope! Ever notice that you never get email from friends anymore, just spam? Look again! That spam isemail from your friends... hopelessly garbled by mail servers brought to their knees thanks to Mr. Y2K!

And wasNew Year's Eve a night of fun and frivolity? The TV would certainly have you think so. Personally, I don't believe any media report I don't receive courtesy of the wind-up radio I keep in my bunker, but even if you buy into non wind-up media you have to ask yourself: were we watching fireworks over the greatest cities of the world New Year's Eve... or were those cities simply on fire?! And what of the cheering revelers? They appeared to be happy. Well, you'd appear to be happy too... if Peter Mansbridge was operating you by remote control!

Paul, you say, you're being paranoid. All is normal. Relax, you say. Well, is it "normal" that I'm aware of what you're saying? How can I, who don't even know you, be aware that you, who won't even read this for about a week, are telling me to relax? How "normal" is that? Huh?

You're not fooling anyone! Get out of my head, cockroach!

Like the column? Buy the book! 100 Years of Subatomic Humor now on sale!