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Subatomic Archive

Last updated Sun, Nov 19, 2000

Here's every column I ever wrote. You can also search the archive, jump to to a random column or check out some of my favorites.

Number of Columns: 204
So Long and Thanks for all the Fish... 11/16/2000	Will Paul survive? Was he right about Oscar Goldman? Tune in for the answers to these exciting questions... in the next episode of Subatomic Humor!
Visit Our Snackbar 11/9/2000	Whatever became of these talented foodstuffs? Like most where-are-they-now stories, the answer is sadly more tragic than we'd wish.
Not-Quite-Amazing Facts 11/2/2000	Fact: Eskimos have over 17 words for snow. Yet, they still get sick of talking about it.
200! 10/26/2000	(Note: to hear the re-mastered Dolby 5.1 soundtrack you must wrap this newspaper around your head.)
Mount Whatchamacallit 10/19/2000	Chretien, ever the savvy politician, doesn't want to alienate the powerful geographer lobby.
My Empty Brain 10/12/2000	It a sad truth: being a columnist means that when you have nothing to say you say it anyway.
Napster 10/5/2000	Hamburgler looks mean. He's an ex-con, apparently -- although how tough can that prison be if they let you wear a tie and big floppy hat?
Whimsical Observations About the Mark of the Beast 9/28/2000	The purse industry and the wallet industry are run by the same shadowy group of faceless billionaires! Grow up!
O Nature! 9/21/2000	How could aliens who come from such beautiful stars be so evil? I blame rap music.
Cat Cop! 9/14/2000	So, I lied to a cop.
The Sims 9/7/2000	Wouldn't the world be a nicer place if God was as hooked on the earth as I am on The Sims?
Extreme Stamp Collecting! 8/24/2000	If I'm going to get involved with extreme sports they're going to have to invent some safer extreme sports. Extreme stamp collecting. Stuff like that.
MP3 Tank 8/10/2000	Hunting mp3s with Napster is like hunting gazelle with a series of orbiting gazelle-tracking particle beam weapons. Bad form!
Third Time Lucky 8/3/2000	The landers are painted green, so when their broken wreckage is strewn over the red Martian surface it will provide a pleasing Christmas-like effect.
I Go Swimming 7/19/2000	The problem with swimming is that inevitably, everybody else in the pool is either (a) 72 or (b) 12.
Konrad's Komedy Korner 7/13/2000	Alright. That's it. Wacky time is over. I'm not even going to do my Captain Kirk impression for you.
The Wonderful World of Jänos Hunyadi 7/6/2000	Okay, here’s where we separate the Jänos Hunyadi fans from the Jänos Hunyadi fanatics.
Why am I boring? 6/29/2000	Really, I used to be an interesting guy.
New Products 6/22/2000	People like John Ralston Saul, people like DOOM, but when will consumers have access to a single product that combines John Ralston Saul with DOOM?
The Mad Scientist at Home 6/15/2000	Man and woman, young and old, all will quake before the mighty entertainment value of Patch Adams!
Riot Police 6/8/2000	'Pepper spray' sounds so harsh. 'Peppery spray' sounds better.
Q&A Infinity Plus One 5/18/2000	Sit back, relax, and get ready to be oppressed!
Viking Standup 5/11/2000	Hey you in the front row... nice shirt! What kind of ugly reindeer did your wife skin to get that?
Oh No! Political Commentary! 5/4/2000	Well thank god they’re ramming Bill 11 through!
Nuts 'n' Bolts 4/27/2000	Forget the human genome project. You know what’s a real boon to humanity? The new, modern, ready-for-the-21st-century Nuts ’n’ Bolts bag.
Cell Phone 4/13/2000	I realize I’m supposed to be over it, but I still think my cell phone is cool.
A&W 4/7/2000	Where does the A&W Burger family live? What do they do all day? Is the Great Root Bear a family pet? A feared rival? Or merely a mysterious tuba-playing shadow in the woods behind the house? We don’t know.
Beer 3/23/2000	For me, there have always been two kinds of beer: the kind you drink, and the kind you take to parties.
Blair Witch 2 3/16/2000	Yeah, sir, there were some witches here alright. But we shot them.
Go Goth! 3/9/2000	Why is it that everybody wants to wear all-black clothing and look like a vampire, but nobody wants to wrap themselves up in toilet paper and be The Mummy?
Lost Notepad 3/2/2000	Astro turf. Astro boy. Astro turf. Astro boy.
Booyah Naked Jet Pilot! 2/17/2000	There's something homoerotic about a naked man standing around fondling his face.
RRSPs 2/10/2000	The thing I've learned about RRSPs is this: no matter how much time you spend thinking about RRSPs, you're supposed to be spending more time thinking about RRSPs.
Questions and Answers 2000 Again 1/27/2000	You know, if Auric Goldfinger had been born as Auric Honeyfinger he would have gotten into a lot less trouble. Because, so what if he's a man who loves only honey? That's nobody's business.
If I was a Starship Captain 1/20/2000	What we need on this spaceship is our own army knife. I mean, if the Swiss can come up with that cool army knife, imagine what us space people can do!
Unreal 1/13/2000	Sorry. This column would have been better, but I've discovered online gaming.
Y2K + 1 1/6/2000	Yeah. Right. Sure the world didn’t end on January 1st, 2000.
Silent Night? 12/23/1999	It wasn't easy to find a xylophone in Bethlehem that time of year. They were all booked up for office parties.
Blurbs 12/16/1999	Hey, I like literature and everything, but that doesn't mean I'm going to read it.
Questions and Answers, Again 12/9/1999	Never make a piñata shaped like the Hindenberg. Because instead of raining candy down on the children, it would probably be full of little tiny burning passengers.
Triangle Man 12/2/1999	Pythagoras' Disclaimer: I know about hypotenuses, not hippopotamuses. Please, direct your hippo questions elsewhere.
Phone Commercials 11/25/1999	I envision a world without phone commercials. The penalty for producing or appearing in one? Death. And that law applies retroactively.
Telescope Dreams 11/18/1999	What the Hubble dreams about when it's asleep.
Spam 11/11/1999	I can't use enough capital letters or exclamation points to express how profoundly excited I am!
Pac Man 11/4/1999	Pacman: That whole good videogame guy/bad videogame guy dichotomy is just showbiz. I play tennis with Sinistar, for god's sake!
That Cool Effect They Do These Days 10/21/1999	You know what this column needs? More special effects.
Near-Miss Urban Legends 10/14/1999	The woman takes her dog to the vet only to discover that her so-called Mexican dog is in fact REALLY FROM FRANCE!
I Want to Live in a Geodesic Dome 10/7/1999	Fools! The geodesic dome was designed by Buckminster Fuller! BUCKMINSTER FULLER! You think you can outsmart BUCKMINSTER FULLER?!
Farm Noire 9/30/1999	Yeah, Viviane was a hell of a pig.
How to Think Creatively 9/23/1999	Before you can begin to think creatively, you'll need an 8.5x11 inch lined steno pad, a well-sharpened #2 HB pencil, a black magic marker, and some 3/4 inch transparent tape.
Q&A Deluxe Plus 9/16/1999	How can the Catholic Church make itself more relevant in today’s world? Use mini-donuts for the Eucharist.
Requiem For A Powerbase 180 9/9/1999	If you can imagine one of those evolution diagrams, where a series of monkeys on the left leads up to a modern human on the right, my computer would be, oh, say... a fish flopping in the mud, way, wayyy to the left, about ten feet off the edge of the pict
Crane Game 9/2/1999	Once a claw addict, always a claw addict.
Inside Hollywood 8/26/1999	Some homeless people don't want to be helped. For these people we call... Salvation Army: Special Force!
Gap Man 8/18/1999	I don’t know why the Gap would choose to go with suicidal-looking non-dancing dancers for their new publicity campaign.
Definitely No-Longer-Topical Star Wars Column 8/12/1999	Cooking with Darth Maul: "At last we will reveal our muffins to the Jedi. At last we will have dessert."
Y3X 8/5/1999	If the world's grinding to a halt in a few months I really want to spend that time on some kind of goofy scavenger hunt for bottled water and band-aids.
Deep Thoughts on Super Powers 7/29/1999	Talking to fish isn't a very good super power.
Silver Spraypaint 7/15/1999	Procraturbation: when you put off masturbating.
Lawn Psychology 7/8/1999	Myth #1: Mulching makes your lawn gay.
How To Save Money 7/1/1999	These days "stretching a buck" means more than just torturing some poor deer.
Almost-A-Father's Day 6/23/1999	Father's Day has come and gone, but what about me? I could use some presents. What, do I have to impregnate somebody before I get a drill?
Funny Things Famous Witty People Did 6/17/1999	At one famous occasion, Noel Coward put his hand under his armpit and, by rapidly moving his arm up and down, produced a series of musical notes!
The Fun You Can Have When Your Wife's Out of Town 6/10/1999	No chick standing over my shoulder telling me which video to rent? That can only mean one thing: asteroid impact film festival!
No Longer Timely Star Wars Piece 6/3/1999	Younger, sexier Yoda combines urbane charm of Kermit with raw, animal sensuality of Grover.
Sunscreen 5/6/1999	Do one thing every day that scares the person you're stalking.
Still Yet Even More Additional Questions and Answers 4/29/1999	They should combine Tae Bo and Feng Shui. That way, you could run around the room rearranging furniture really fast while listening to pounding music.
Home Theater 4/15/1999	Once you've successfully setup your home theater, you're ready to experience movies the way their film-makers intended you to -- as a poor person.
Finite Monkeys 4/8/1999	I bet a big part of the reason it takes so many monkeys to produce Shakespeare is because the Bard isn't particularly relevant to today's monkey.
House Porn 4/1/1999	Some day, I plan to publish a glossy book called Crafts You Can Make Using Old Beer Cans and Half-Empty Chip Bags. You'll be able to leave it on your coffee table, and it'll look like you put all that junk there on purpose.
Another Questions and Answers Column, Written at the Last Possible Minute Before the Deadline 3/24/1999	God forbid, what if Nazis learned voodoo?
Costco 3/18/1999	Costco is the kind of place that saves you so much money that you go broke.
If I Call Bill Kurtis Crazy, Is That Libel? 3/10/1999	I don't know why insist on having so many murder shows on A&E. If you kill 32 people and chop them up and bury them in your basement, which is that: art or entertainment?
This is a Column 3/3/1999	For educational purposes, this column has been made out of translucent plastic, so that its inner workings are clearly visible.
Aliens! 2/25/1999	If ever there was a generation meant to battle aliens, it was ours.
Deep Thoughts on Time Travel 2/18/1999	Come on, man, this is science!
Questions and Answers 1999 2/10/1999	The Barenaked Ladies and the Beastie Boys should join up; then they could be the Barenaked Beastie Lady Boys.
Suck Wars? 2/4/1999	Ways in which the next Star Wars movie, The Phantom Menace, could suck.
Another Column About Pants 1/28/1999	I'm Joe Clark. Eat from my pants.
More Words for Snow 1/21/1999	Snow Credit Union n. not quite a snowbank.
World's Dumbest White-Collar Criminals 1/7/1999	Whether we're honest citizens, or criminals ourselves who are just more intelligent, we all get a "kick" out of hearing about the crazy antics of these "not-too-bright" white-collar criminals!
1999 12/31/1998	I guess the future's going to start happening any minute now and I, for one, hope it's a nightmarish dystopia.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer by Franz Kafka 12/24/1998	R. awoke one morning to discover he'd been transformed into a red-nosed reindeer.
Psycho 12/17/1998	Psycho: possibly the finest film of all time with a silent "P" in the title.
Bill Gates 12/10/1998	Maybe Bill Gates isn't the perfect Bond villain. But I bet he does have all kinds of freaky stuff in the basement of that big, weird high-tech house of his.
Quebec 12/3/1998	What do we really know about Quebecers, anyway? They make maple syrup. They like that big snowman guy with the red sash. They're mad all the time.
The Subatomic Quiz: Are You Wearing Pants? 11/26/1998	Pants: some people are wearing them, some aren't. Which camp do you fall into?
Questions and Answers XVIII 11/19/1998	Q: Is it true black cats are bad luck? A: Unless you happen to be wearing a black shirt, in which case a white cat is bad luck.
I Want Cyber-Glasses 11/12/1998	It's almost the end of the millennium now, and where is all that futuristic stuff? According to Star Trek Ricardo Montalban should already be ruling the earth.
I Know, Halloween Was Last Week 11/5/1998	Like serial killers, people who dress up for Halloween fall into one of two categories: they're either organized or disorganized.
Technology is Amazing 10/27/1998	You've got more computing power than existed on the planet until 1972 sitting right there on your desk, and what do you use it for? Storing recipes. A job formerly accomplished by a box.
I Hate Celtic Music 10/15/1998	Who were the Celts, anyway? Some kind of ancient culture. Some kind of ancient loser culture.
It's Too Nice Out 10/8/1998	It's far too nice a day to be cooped up in here like this, trying to write a column. The sun is shining, the leaves have all turned glorious shades of orange and gold. It's like the cover of a phone book out there.
What You Need to Know About the Romans 10/1/1998	Yes, Nero fiddled while Rome burned. But what a lot of people don't realize is that it was the emergency broadcast fiddle.
Love Boat 2000 9/24/1998	I should be a big-time Hollywood producer. I come up with all the good ideas.
The Starr Report is Pretty Lame Pornography 9/17/1998	About the worst thing that could happen to a kid trying to read the Starr report online would be if he mistyped something and accidentally ended up being exposed to Ringo Starr.
Doorknob Guru 9/10/1998	When I was a kid I thought the best thing about being an adult would be that when you went to Dairy Queen you'd be able to order any kind of ice cream you wanted.
800 9/3/1998	I think the bad thing about being eight hundred pounds would be that Jerry Springer would always be coming around to your house, trying to save you.
Questions and Answers Forever 8/27/1998	I wonder if a lot of people who like S&M also like M&M's.
The Guilt Shoes 8/20/1998	"Just do it" might as well be short for "Just do it for a dollar sixty a day or I'll smack you, kid."
Prairie Dreams 8/13/1998	A short play in honour of the Edmonton Fringe.
Holy Exploding Chrysler Buildings! 8/6/1998	The summer blockbuster season is over, and whether or not you're fond of the giant Hollywood hit-making machine you have to admit it gives the people what they want. Namely, the Chrysler Building blowing up.
Questions and Answers 2000 7/16/1998	Q: Paul, how could the Home and Garden Network be improved? A: More power tool accidents.
#100! 7/2/1998	Subatomic Humour's centennial column... and what a column! Out-takes, bloopers, and a special behind-the-scenes look at the making of Subatomic Humour!
Lawn Care! 6/18/1998	Gardening isn't about growing; it's about killing. And, so help me God, I love it!
Photo Radar 6/5/1998	Photo radar machines are like David Hasslehoff -- nobody like them, but they make a lot of money.
That Guy From Chumbawamba 5/21/1998	That guy from Chumbawamba. He gets knocked down. He gets up again.
Jerry Springer 5/14/1998	Whenever I see two people fighting on the Jerry Springer show, I never know which one to root for: the moron or the cretin.
Vegas 5/7/1998	I must be the biggest idiot in the world. I went to Las Vegas to save money.
Grammar Man 4/23/1998	Yes, I am the grammar man. In fact, you might call me M.C. Grammar.
Science! 4/16/1998	Science: it does more than just blind Thomas Dolby.
subatomic humour by e. e. cummings 4/9/1998	paul is sick this week so i e e cummings will write this column
Cable 4/2/1998	I just got cable and I feel like I brought home a big bag of heroin. There's some excitement (oh boy, I'm going to try heroin!) mixed with a lot of fear (wait a minute; I'm going to be a junkie).
Career Day 3/26/1998	I suppose the great irony of career day is this: the only people available to talk to a bunch of kids on a Thursday afternoon are the people who don't have careers.
Horoscopes 3/19/1998	Leo: Drippy things may fall over, while spongy things with bits of tin on them will rattle.
Sunglasses 3/5/1998	Life has become a dark void filled with misery and pain; for I have lost my sunglasses.
Lady Curlers Are Sexy 2/19/1998	Maybe it's the steely-eyed precision with which they throw those rocks. Maybe it's the dominatrix-like authority in the skip's voice as she orders around her broom-wielding amazons. Whatever it is, man, those female curlers have their sexiness together.
Colours 2/12/1998	Candlebark. What exactly is that? I guess it's the opposite of treewax.
Still Yet Even More Questions and Answers 2/5/1998	While some look at what is and ask "why?", and others look at what could be and ask "why not?", I look at my coffee table and ask "where's my sunglasses?"
If I were a Spice Girl 1/29/1998	Yes, I could be a Spice Girl.
House 1/14/1998	As bad as buying a home is, it must be worse for superheroes.
New Year's Resolutions 1/1/1998	I might as well do the same as everyone else who has to fill up column space this time of year and talk about my new year's resolutions.
A Special Christmas Story 12/18/1997	One hundred and eighty thousand dollars. That was all. And sixty thousand of it tied up in mutual funds. Again, Della looked over the books. Only one hundred and eighty thousand dollars. And the next day would be Christmas.
Planks not Tanks 12/11/1997	I've always liked video games. I think they teach valuable life lessons. When I'm moving, I always look for volunteers who are familiar with Tetris, because they're the best at getting large couches around tight corners.
Infinite Questions 10/6/1997	Q: Paul, has anyone actually won an election by a landslide? I mean, like, an actual landslide came and killed all the other candidates or something? A: I don't know. I don't do political humour.
Merry Christmas! 10/3/1997	Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas everyone!
Wedding 9/18/1997	My girlfriend and I are getting married and let me tell you, fellas, if you want to get out of some housework, this is the way to do it.
Money Advice 9/15/1997	Some would say I'm poor. I prefer to think that I own a very select group of money.
Edmonton Doesn't Suck 9/4/1997	I've spent most of this summer hanging out in other cities, and what always surprises me is how much people in the rest of Canada think Edmonton sucks.
Internet 8/26/1997	The internet. A vast sea of information. A bridge to the 21st century. An international house of pancakes.
Glasses 8/21/1997	You know Oedipus? That guy who found out he slept with his mother and then poked his eyes out with a dagger? I bet that story has its origins in some ancient Greek optometrist's office.
Still Yet More Questions 8/14/1997	Q: Paul, when they put radio DJ's on TV, should they hire actors to play them? A: Yes. Because radio DJ's are ugly.
Dead Guys 8/7/1997	Don't become a beat poet, man. You'll end up dead. Look at William S. Burroughs. Everything was going fine then all the sudden -- wham! Dead at 83.
Somalia 8/5/1997	It's taken a long time, but after consulting with my staff, spending countless hours on research, and quietly reflecting at my retreat in the Andes, I am now ready to release my recommendations for Canadian military reform.
Environmental Problems are Very Serious 7/25/1997	Year after year, logging companies cut down thousands of trees. The downside of this is that some day there will be no forests. The upside is that some day there will be no forest fires.
Tricky Pixelly Boulders 7/3/1997	Looking back on it now, I realize I was in the Ms. Pac Mac closet.
Amazing Facts 6/26/1997	Amazing Factlet #3: In England, during the middle ages, it was considered "rude" to walk up to a king or other nobleman and punch him really hard in the throat!
The End of the World 6/19/1997	The year 2000. It means different things to different people -- the end of a decade, the end of a millennium, the final sad confirmation that Space: 1999 will never come true.
The Oilers 6/12/1997	Congratulations on purchasing the Edmonton Oilers! The Edmonton Oilers are a precision hockey team, crafted to exacting specifications. We sincerely hope you enjoy many years of hockey action with your new team.
Tupperware 6/5/1997	Just think of all the wonderful kitchen gadgets our grandparents never had but we take for granted. Of course, our grandparents took one thing for granted that we don't have: enough electrical outlets in the kitchen.
The Lost World 5/29/1997	They call these movies "blockbusters." because like the World War II-era bombs they're named after, they're going to catch up to you, no matter how much you scream and try to run away.
Greenland, Greenland, Greenland 5/22/1997	You want to bug someone from Greenland? Say, "Oh, you're from Greenland! Do you know Mike?" They hate that! Because, there must be fifty or sixty people in Greenland named Mike. Which one do you mean?!
My Damn Bike 5/14/1997	I want my damn bike back.
Vegetarians 5/7/1997	Vegetarians are always coming up with ways to simulate the foods they've sworn off. It's a little like Ghandi becoming a pacifist, then spending all of his time playing Doom.
Goatee 4/24/1997	Sometimes I'll go four or five days without shaving, just so I have enough facial hair to play "Hugo: Man of a Thousand Faces."
Misfit Jokes 4/17/1997	If you could listen to ABBA at IKEA, boy, that would just be a festival of Scandinavian acronyms.
Lenin 4/10/1997	Lenin: Thank you. And I'd especially like to send a big hello to all the embalmed, specially-preserved corpses over there in Canada.
Shirts 4/3/1997	There are no damn shirts in the world. I'm sorry for the strong language folks, but there you have it.
Subatomic Humour by Alec Baldwin 3/27/1997	Hi folks! Alec Baldwin here. Paul's a little busy, so he asked me to step in and write his little comedy column this week.
Health Care 3/20/1997	Thanks to medical research, many epidemics which once raged across the planet are now gone forever. Cholera, smallpox, Pac Man fever -- all are almost totally unknown.
Home Office 3/12/1997	I've never worked in an office, but I imagine it's pretty exciting. Office romance! Photocopier pranks! The naked aggression of coffee mug territoriality! I bet it's just great.
I Like Cables 3/6/1997	Some people want wealth. Some people want fame. Some people want power. Not me. All I want out of this world is one thing: adapter cables.
Today In History 2/27/1997	February 27, 1939: World War Two begins. February 27, 1940: Technical problems with WWII are discovered; it is recalled. February 27, 1941: Technical problems solved; World War 2.1 released.
Yet More Questions 2/20/1997	Q: If you were a vampire, would going into the house of mirrors be such a big deal? A: No.
Nordic Track 2/12/1997	I love watching people use the stairclimber (which simulates going up a flight of stairs but actually takes you nowhere), then step out of the club and use the escalator (which simulates going nowhere but actually takes you up a flight of st
Bussinessguy 2/6/1997	Generally, I don't trust guys in suits. Business suits that is. If someone's in a Zorro suit or a Godzilla suit, I'll trust him.
Mr. Offensive 1/30/1997	I don't see why handicapped people should get their own parking stalls. If they can't find a spot, then they shouldn't go shopping!
Video Crisis 1/16/1997	If God owned a video store, sinners wouldn't have to go to hell. They could just take out memberships with a different religion.
The Mysteries of Space 1/2/1997	I bet if Darth Vader had a girlfriend or a wife she would resent how much time he spends tinkering with his Death Star.
No Fear! 12/19/1996	Most people think it's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye. Well, that's just not true. Look at pirates. Most of them have poked out eyes, and they still have lots of fun and games.
Holiday Tips 12/12/1996	Heroin always makes a lovely gift, especially for a person who is a drug addict, or "junkie."
Retro Night 11/28/1996	I wouldn't be surprised if half the cave paintings that archeologists find are not actually from cavemen, but from early non-caveman era retro nights.
Important Issues 11/14/1996	If the Starship Enterprise was run by the Canadian government, and they were making cutbacks, I bet the first thing to go would be that expensive holodeck.
Shoes 11/7/1996	I wish I had an archaeologist living in my house, because I bet I could get him to clean out the cat's litter box by telling him there was some kind of Egyptian pottery in there or something.
Governor General's Award 11/2/1996	In the words of Jacques Deridda: , "I can't help it... I love ze pop-up!"
We Suck 10/31/1996	The twentysomethings. The slackers. People who know who the Sugarbear was. Call us what you will, we suck.
My Friend, The Future 10/24/1996	Have you ever had a chesterfield... made of pudding? You will!
More Questions and Answers 10/17/1996	I saw that movie Twister, and it was nothing like the game.
Helpful Time Travel Advice 10/3/1996	Current scientific thinking is that time travel is impossible, except for the Amish.
Fish Commandos 9/19/1996	There are two kinds of movie. There's the kind where an elite team of commandos tries to take over something, and then there's the kind I don't want to see.
Victoria Sucks 9/12/1996	makes me thankful I live in Edmonton, where the only well-dressed people who beg for money own hockey teams.
Babysitting Pygmies 9/5/1996	Having pets is to having a family what de-alcoholized beer is to real beer. It's Family Lite.
Pants 8/29/1996	Let's talk pants for a moment. I know a lot of people say that pants are not a suitable subject for a family newspaper, but I say it's high time there was some frank talk about pants.
Gossip 8/22/1996	Some of the stuff in my fridge has been sitting there a long time. There are containers in my fridge whose packaging is written in Sanskrit.
The Fringe 8/15/1996	Every year there's five or six shows that the critics all agree everyone should see. Rather than have everybody line up to see them why not have a roller coaster go through them all, one after another?
Secret Glasses 8/8/1996	For years I had no memory of my alien abduction experience, not because the aliens did anything to erase my memory, but because I just wasn't paying much attention at the time.
Brain 8/1/1996	The human mind is an amazing organ. As far as organs go it is even more impressive than the big one down at the coliseum they play at hockey games.
Comedy Multi-Pack! 7/26/1996	If you're camping with David Copperfield, make sure he doesn't bring all his big magic trick equipment. Simple card tricks are more appropriate for a wilderness setting.
Olympics 7/18/1996	This is probably news to you, but apparently in Atlanta they're having some sort of "Olympics" or something.
Comics 7/11/1996	If the New Democrats want to do well in the next election, maybe they should utilize this principle and get Stan Lee to write their campaign literature. The Uncanny New Democrats!
My Girlfriend is Swamp Thing 7/4/1996	You know that movie Predator, where Arnold Schwarzenegger goes to South America and fights an alien in the jungle? Well, that wasn't filmed in South America. That was filmed in my apartment.
Depression 6/27/1996	On safari, there must be nothing spookier than the hollow laughter of the depressed hyena.
I am Mr. Alternative 6/20/1996	Piercings are cool. So much so that if you're name's "Pierce," you don't have to get one because you're already cool.
Questions and Answers 6/13/1996	Q: Should the guy on the commercial eat his soup with a fork or a spoon? A: He should heat the soup up until it's boiling, then pour it down the front of his pants.
Hey Hey Hey Gang! 5/30/1996	Sometimes street performing is the last refuge for people who have no other job to do. I mean, if Kim Campbell could juggle, she wouldn't have had to write her new book.
TV Sucks 5/23/1996	I don't watch a lot of TV. I always thought that shows likeFriends were for people who didn't have any.
Mall 5/6/1996	If I'm not at a video store, and I'm not at the 7-11, and I'm not sleeping or dead or in jail, I'm at the mall.
I am a Financial Wiz 5/2/1996	The economy is bad these days. Indeed, for many, especially those in their twenties, "security" has come to mean nothing more than the people who come to arrest you at the mall.
Spend Money on a Computer 4/25/1996	The information age is upon us and a lot of people are asking themselves if they should buy a computer. Well, the answer is: If you get bored waiting around for the things you own to become obsolete, then a computer is for you!
Hockey, Figure Skating and Spider Man 4/18/1996	What would be wrong with having the hockey players dress up in spangley little outfits? A guy gets body checked? Bam! Sequins everywhere! That's hockey!
Video Store 4/16/1996	I've completely lost touch with the movies that are playing in the real movie theatres. Until very recently I thought "Dead Man Walking" was about zombies.
One of Life's Unexpected Blessings 4/9/1996	Mid way into the next century I will be locked up in some old age home with no responsibilities. And what will I do with my time? I can answer that with two letters and an ampersand: D&D.
Don't Eat Your Pets 4/4/1996	They say you can't have your cake and eat it too. Well, the same thing goes for pets.
Make Failure More Palateable With Positive Thinking 3/21/1996	Psychologists have known for a long time that Christmas is for many a depressing time of year, so my advice is to move to a non-Christian country where they don't have Christmas.
The Eighties: Mankind's Golden Era 3/14/1996	Back in the old days, when I was a kid, we had it rough. And when I say "the old days," I mean the late eighties and early nineties.
Operation: Ice Storm 8/19/1919	The largest peacetime mobilization of the Canadian armed forces in history. And we're supposed to believe all this is because of some freakish ice storm?
The President of China's Ass is Soft and Kissable 7/1/1919	If the best way to deal with oppression overseas really is increased trade, think of all the trouble we could have avoided in the 1940's. Instead of declaring war on Nazi Germany, we could have sent a trade delegation over there.
Telus Trouble 6/24/1919	Recently I had a run in with a phone company. I won't mention their name. Let's just say they sponsor Telus Field and leave it at that.
Now My Girlfriend is Evil 6/10/1919	This is a pretty geeky subject for a column, but I'm going to tell you about how my girlfriend switched over to the dark side of the force and bought a Windows PC.
The Juiceman is Nuts 5/27/1919	The sad thing is, the Juiceman is nuts.
Now That's a Show! 5/20/1919	I think it's pretty fair to say I'm a big-time television producer.
Writer's Block 5/13/1919	Boy, it's lucky thing I got this article in on time. There sure were a lot of other important things vying for my attention this week!
3, 3, 3 Columns in One 5/7/1919	Hey, you're a mover and a shaker. You live in the fast lane. You don't have time to sit down and read an entire comedy article.
3, 3, 3 Columns in One 1/1/1904	Hey, you're a mover and a shaker. You live in the fast lane. You don't have time to sit down and read an entire comedy article.

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